Most of the time I rush into things impulsively.
Even important decisions, especially in my gradually fading past.
"Seize the Day!" was the mantra of the time when I was setting out in the world. I was like a munching, colorful Hippo in a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos (not my most flattering analogy), grabbing at opportunities as they flew by, trying to fill my resume and my log of experiences faster than the rest, trying to "win" the game.
One of the wonderful things about youth is the heady mix of confidence, naivety, and optimism that pervades. It wasn't as easy as I'm making it sound, of course. Tough decisions, some of them, a lot of thinking and changing my mind, all that. I also knew this was a short time, this burgeoning out into the world. Not wanting to miss any opportunity, I snatched at them as they sailed by; "Mine, mine, mine. And that one! I'll do that!" The opportunity itself was not as important as taking it.
At this point I could launch into a lot of stories...a LOT of stories...but let's just say some of the experiences were exciting, some valuable, some horrific, and some plain hard work. Did I grow? Yes. Did I come out the other side wiser, more seasoned? Generally. Would I do it all again? Well, mostly, to be honest. But I did get myself into some rather sticky situations. A few were sticky like toffee, a mess and a hassle to get off, but still pretty sweet. Others were sticky like tar or hot glue, and left scars.
I'm not so quick on the draw these days. Rather gun-shy, to keep the analogy going.When an opportunity presents itself, I tend to walk around it, gingerly taking in all the angles. What is it that's being "sold" here, and who is hoping to benefit? O careful cynicism. How far have you come from the land of Carefree!
Now, in my little life, I'm waiting -- and non too impressed by it. Lots of waiting in life, we all know that.
I'll tell you what though, it's hard to wait impulsively! "Here I am, just doing some spontaneous waiting. Yahoo!"
Waiting for what?
Well, waiting to know what to do. I'd like to be sure. I'm guessing I probably won't be.
The opportunities that used to bounce around like the white marbles on a Hungry Hungry Hippos game...they're hiding, now I'm near the end of the game when all the players are trying to munch one slowly rolling ball as it slips past. That's what it feels like, anyway! I'm quite aware that there are a ton of opportunities out there, but not for me, not right now.
Waiting to feel better, to feel whole. That might never happen in this lifetime.
Waiting to understand. What am I here for?
Waiting to want to. What if my basic desire is for everyone to just leave me alone? And yet, scared that everyone will? Yeah, that's some raw stuff.
Waiting for others. Not alone on this journey. Where I go, my fellow travelers go. Are we going to go in the same direction? Well, yes, we have to.
The last week I've had a song going through my head, "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. It's not my favorite style, but boy there are some powerful lyrics. Have a listen!!
Funny, all my careful cynicism disappears while I watch that video. It's kind of a nice feeling.
So, while I'm waiting, I will try to trust God, and worship, and serve...and try to keep running the race. You can, too. I feel rather hopeful about it.