Friday, February 15, 2019

The Valentine's Card

A short story

Pete

Pete found a parking spot among the badly parked cars and fast food litter, and turned off the ignition. He sat still inside his compact Ford Focus, a gift from his parents on his wedding day. On their wedding day. Pete and Grace, married all of four years as of last summer. Grace's lip gloss and a half-eaten granola bar were stuffed in the cup holder, and he wondered how long it had been there; probably a long time. Grace didn't drive much these days - didn't leave the house really, if he thought about it. Pete decided not to think about it. 

He sat for a few more moments, then sighed and opened the door, walked slowly through lightly falling snow to the sliding doors, and into the huge Walmart. He saw the card section immediately. Several men shuffled in front of the pink and red paper, some in work clothes, a few in shirt and tie, and one white-haired gentleman wearing a brown fedora and what once were expensive leather shoes. Pete groaned inwardly, not really wanting to join the group or the search. He was embarrassed - he never bought her Valentine's card this late, on the very day no less, but this week had been nuts. First Grace and then he had come down with a flu, he had worked late, and then yesterday was in this same parking lot when he realized his wallet was still on the kitchen table. 

Well, there was nothing for it, as they say. He smiled apologetically at a slight, nervous looking man in khaki pants, turning sideways to reach for a card. It had "To My Loving Wife" in swirling cursive red on a light purple background, and inside an ornate poem with words like "deep love" and "light of my life". He put it back. There was very little light in the eyes of Grace at present. She was probably still lying in bed, rumpled covers, needing a shower. He had a hard time looking at her the last month or so. Her hair hung limp and dull, but it was the blank, almost desperate expression twisting her features that hurt his heart so much. The doctor had told them, gently but firmly, that she would have to try another medication. Pete had been too angry to reply. They left the cramped, antiseptic office in silence, and there had been silence ever since. None of the medications were working, wasn't it obvious? 
Pete set his jaw and reached for another card. The man in construction vest and work boots beside him was chuckling. 
"Look at this one", he said, leaning back and snickering again. 
"FOR A GOOD TIME CALL ... (insert your number here)", Pete read, noting the bawdy image and bonus cartoon blonde wearing a bikini. 
Pete shook his head. "Not what I'm after."
The man blinked at him. "Isn't that what this stupid day is all about? Huh? Gettin' a little action?" 
The white-haired old man glanced at Pete, an unreadable expression in his eyes. 
Pete decided to move down the row a little. He'd be standing here for an hour if he kept up like this, and he should probably get home. Even as the thought welled up Pete grimaced, not willing to admit that he would rather be here in this gritty, overbright big box - anywhere actually - than be pacing softly around the dimly lit rooms of his own small house. He grabbed three or four cards impatiently, scanned them, put them back. 

Thomas

Thomas Wembley tried to keep from biting his nails. He took a piece of gum out of his jacket and chewed it vigorously. He hated being here, hated the presence of the other men, all who probably had nice wives waiting for them or a dinner date out tonight. He wasn't even buying a card for someone like that, he needed to get one for Mother. 
She had been shrill on the phone last night, telling him to be there for dinner no later than five, and for heaven's sake have some decency, get a hair cut. He had got the hair cut this morning, and now at 4:35 was almost beside himself without a card and no time left. The heart-shaped box of chocolates was melting in his other hand.
Thomas fidgeted, dropping the "For That Special Someone" card he'd mistakenly picked up. A heavily perfumed man in a dark blue suit reached down and got it for him, smiling generously.  "Hope you have a great night with your lady!" he beamed. Thomas felt one corner of his mouth twitch upwards. He managed to get out a nervous laugh, a sort of squeak, and retreated behind the aisle. He finally settled on a large and somewhat ostentatious card, "For My Dear Mother" emblazoned in silver foil across the front. He still had to write the message. Hopefully there was a pen in the car. 
More than anything, Thomas could not be late. He wondered, what if he did have a girl? Would they be going to his mother's for dinner tonight? Yes, he was sure of it. He couldn't imagine any scenario otherwise. He wiped a hand over his eyes and quickly got through the till. No time to think about it, but Thomas looked one last time at the young man in jeans and a wedding ring by the Valentine's display, and wished with every fibre of his being that they could somehow trade places. Maybe in another life.

Perhaps Mother had made the jello salad. He hoped so. At least there was that to look forward to. 

Ken

Ken was pissed. That over-dressed Italian ape in the blue suit kept taking the cards he was trying to look at. Why were the cards so picked over? They probably hadn't restocked the shelf, the lazy oafs. 

It was hard to find anything he wanted. Well, not what he wanted, but what she would want. He knew enough not to bring a tawdry card home again. Last year he hadn't got any action at all, not even a kiss. She was turning into a boring wife. He couldn't believe sometimes that he had worked so hard at getting her, nailing her down so to speak, but at least she had a good job. Ken wasn't in a hurry; she wouldn't be home until seven anyway. He had lots of time to stop in at the bar. Maybe that waitress would be there, the one who winked at him last week. 

Ken sighed and scratched his head under his hat.  He noticed one younger dude, clean cut guy in jeans, twisting a wedding ring. He'd probably be here for hours, trying to find the right card, another hen-pecked loser. What were all these buffoons doing here anyway? Didn't they know Valentine's Day was today? What a bunch of slackers. They were lucky though, their wives would probably dress up in something tight and put on makeup and red lipstick. Not like his wife, thin and tired, with her feet up on a cushion half the time. 
She knew he was trying to find a job. He'd probably have one any day now, and he'd show that hag who was boss. He stomped off toward the checkout. Never mind a card. He would just buy her a chocolate bar, and one for himself too. It was getting hot in the store anyway, and Ken suddenly felt a thirst come on him he couldn't ignore. 

Charles

He felt almost young today, standing among the other men. Charles tipped his hat to the serious young man a few feet over who had opened at least twenty cards and put them back. It was tradition now, for him to go get the card on Valentine's Day, about the same time he would have been getting off work years ago. Beverly knew where he was; it was part of the fun. She would be setting the table now with the real silver, the teapot, the lace doily, the little glass bowl of cinnamon hearts. Charles usually found the right card in a few minutes, but today he felt himself watching the men milling around. It seemed that every year, there were more on the last day, at the last minute. He wondered where the thoughtfulness had gone, the careful planning. Everything was instant now, that was it. 

He noticed a man in a dark blue suit had two cards, each very different. Charles didn't really want to know the story there. A nervous man was biting his nails and clenching a box of chocolates. They were the kind old people like himself enjoyed. 
Charles felt an almost grandfatherly affection for one young man, the one with sad eyes; he was about the same age as Charles and Beverley's own grandson, though he had not seen the boy in so long. It was hard to know. 
The young man had a plaid shirt under his smart looking coat, and a stillness about him that Charles noticed. He gestured toward the rows of cards. 
"Sometimes they seem so silly, don't they? I mean, for something so important."
The young man smiled, just a hint of one. 
"I suppose so."
"You've got quite a handful there, hey?"
He gave that small smile again. 
"Well, it's hard to know, to know really...." He let it drift away. 
"Yes, it can be. I remember. These days I don't have to think so hard."
The young husband was restless, lingering. He looked up at Charles and smiled with his eyes this time. 
"You've been together a long time, I take it."
"53 years this spring. Feels much shorter though, you know. Like I am still just getting to know her."

The conversation appeared to be over. The other man was lost in his thoughts, seeming to forget that Charles, or anyone else, was there. 
He selected his card, and shuffled off, purpose in each step. He could hardly wait to get home, home to her. 

Pete 


Pete had a headache. He had been here, standing in front of this garish candy-colored display, for a solid half hour at least. Why couldn't he find a good card?! A decent card, even. Something. 
Nothing was right. What good could a colored paper card do, anyway. Pete felt a bit foolish as the group of men thinned out, leaving just himself, the white-haired gentleman, and a couple of newcomers. Even the aromatic, slick-haired blue suit had gone, though the air still reeked of cologne. 
Pete had thought of buying jewelry, something pretty and delicate, like Grace. But he could not bear to see it sit on the dresser, day after day as he knew it would, unworn. He had picked up a nice silky thing with a sash for tying, whatever they called them, a soft thing for sleeping or lounging. All he could think of was the word 'housecoat', but that wasn't quite it. The robe was still hanging over the door, tags attached with a pin. She liked it, he knew she must. Grace had thanked him in that quiet, slightly robotic voice she had lately. He had hugged her tight. Later that night he woke up, suddenly, and found he had tears going down his cheeks into the pillow. What was happening to him? He felt like the whole world was spinning, like tub water going down the drain. He wished he could fix her, fix Grace. Anything that would stop this cold feeling, as if his heart was being squeezed all the time in his chest. If he could just take a deep breath. Pete realized he was holding his breath now; he let it go slowly, so as not to let the other men hear. He felt a bit light-headed. 
Grace had loved Valentine's day. That first year they had gone down to the park, it was a Saturday.  The ice was cracking on the ponds, and they stood on the bridge and watched the other couples sitting on benches, and he held her small gloved hands to keep her warm. They had a bag of cinnamon hearts, and both their mouths were stained red as they opened them to laugh. Grace was so excited to be going to a movie later, and he was excited because she was. 
It wasn't until the third year that he noticed something wasn't right. Grace usually loved to cook, and they had many hilarious experiments and some downright delicious feasts. That was the first thing he realized - she had started cooking the same thing every night. And then she started going to bed so early, and then she stopped going in to work. Then the visits to the doctor. The first time was the worst; it was admitting something was wrong with Grace, his beautiful free-spirited wife, his one true friend. 
Pete rubbed his cheek with his hand, and raked his fingers through his hair, shaking his head. He talked a bit with the old man, managed to make semi-normal conversation. He picked up a card with a butterfly in the shape of a heart. Maybe that would be good. No, the message inside seemed ridiculously shallow. He put it back, and watched the elder gentleman reach for one further down, in the blank cards section. It was blue with a simple flower on the front. He watched him smile and tuck it under his arm, and walk straight toward the checkout. Pete wished he knew what to do so easily. 

He thought of Grace, at home, a small bundle under the covers. She had been alone all day; she must feel so alone. He had a card gripped tight in his hands. He looked down at it, unseeing. 

Suddenly, Pete did know what to do. He stuffed the one he was holding back in the rack. He left the aisles of cards, he sped quickly past the people waiting in lines, went through the big doors. He was almost running now, and then he was running, almost leaping toward the little car, a man on a mission. 
Pete was going home, as fast as he could do it, home to Grace. He loved her, that was all he needed this Valentine's - to be beside her, no matter what. He sped out of the parking lot and onto the road home. 
Next year he might get a card, a simple one, one with a flower on the front and lots of blank space where Pete could pour out all the love in his beating heart. 

The  End

Image result for simple flower on card

Sunday, February 10, 2019

Road to Recovery - Part 4



Getting Your Life Back 


How do we get back on the right track as empaths and people pleasers? Is it possible?

Seems to be quite possible. However, there is a need to educate yourself first, and that can be a tough time. Realizing on both a cognitive and heart level that there are problems and issues in your life isn't much fun. 

I know from hard life experience that calling people out on their blind spots can be next to impossible. I'm thinking back to times when I was warned about certain situations, and I could not see it. I would not see it. The attraction and bond to what I felt I needed was too great - like a mountain in the way, I could not see ahead. 

Trying to warn someone that the path they are on is going to end in a foul swamp of pain and misery is not what they want to hear. We all know this, especially as adults. We've all been in such swamps. Many of us have taken years to get the stench of misery out of our clothes and the dregs of pain off of our minds and hearts. There is always something to blame, some rationale that makes perfect sense at the time. 

So I have grace and kindness for my younger self; where once I would have mentally beaten myself up for mistakes, I now see that for the counter-productive cow manure it is.  

Image result for the pilgrims progress edited by c.j. lovikIn The Pilgrim's Progess, Christian receives a number of such warnings. He still falls asleep in By-Path Meadow, loses his scroll on the Hill Difficulty, and is persuaded off the path by Worldly-Wiseman. He learns from each mistake, but the suffering and ground lost are real and the consequences sometimes severe. 
At one point Hopeful and Christian almost fall into a deep pit. 
"Who could have thought that this path would lead us astray?"
 Hopeful replied, "I was afraid it might from the very first, and that is why I gave you that gentle caution. I would have spoken more firmly, but you are older than I." 
The Pilgrim's Progress is gold; I purchased a beautiful hard cover copy to read often, and it never fails to set my heart on Christ again. 

I remember participating in a study years ago using the popular book Boundaries by Dr.'s Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I have read it a few times since, and there is such a wealth of wisdom there for everyone, but particularly people like me. The chapter that resonated the most was on "Boundaries and Yourself". Who knew we needed boundaries with ourselves? Oh, but we do.  We can be our own worst enemies. Learning boundaries is a humbling experience, because it involves taking responsibility for ourselves, for our weaknesses, insecurities, and for our own contentment. Empaths often feel stretched and out of touch with their own needs and feelings. As a result, it is a constant temptation to put the responsibility on someone else. 

If other people weren't so obnoxious. 
If my family could just back off. 
If my significant other could read my mind, that would help. 

Empaths (and the rest of the world) need to take responsibility for their own lives. 
This is hard. Really hard. Because spending our lives taking care of or helping others takes the focus off what maybe we could or should be doing. This is the big problem - avoiding one's own needs by seeking out the needs of someone else. 
Always looking after the needs of others also means there is always someone else to blame. 

Practical Stepping Stones 

  • Reduce time spent with those who drain your energy, and increase time spent with people who have your best interest at heart.
This step is probably going to be counter-intuitive. It appears at first glance to be logical, but often people-pleasing, agreeable empaths will do the opposite. They will perpetually scan the horizon for empty, disadvantaged individuals, and actually avoid those who care about them the most. 
  • Reduce the need to please by realizing and acknowledging your worth. 
Empaths seek to please others and always be highly agreeable partly because of a deep-seated sense of unworthiness. The equation of "I made you happy, and now I feel a sense of worth from doing that" must be inverted to "I have worth, and therefore I am able to give." I give because I have worth, rather than I gain worth through my giving. I am loved and worthy of love whether I give or not. 
  • Reduce stress in order to lessen the critical messages coming from within. 
The more stress an empath is experiencing, the harder they are on themselves. The judgmental, critical voice comes out and takes over, pummeling the empath with an internal attack of fear and anger. Predatory and manipulative individuals can set the internal critic going by preying on fears of failure, accompanied with the stress of trying to make it all work out. 
Ways to keep stress manageable are (Captain Obvious) eating well, sleep, and exercise, and also staying clear of people who ask too much of you. Sometimes these situations are unavoidable, but being aware can really help. 

Stay Grounded

I'm learning to stay in a better place. Now that I am more aware of my own tendency toward self-sabotage, it is easier to rise above what used to get me down. 

I don't shrink so much from taking care of myself these days; I know it is necessary. 
Meditating on the gifts and joys in life gives hope and strength to keep going. My family, my kids, my husband, my job, music, nature, and most of all the kindness of a good and loving God are the gifts and joys I hold onto. 

Getting out there, making plans, challenging myself, creating, writing, teaching, worshiping, reveling in beauty and nature, having coffee with a good friend...these are what give living so much LIFE. 

I have a good God. He gives wisdom even when I have spent a lot of time with folly, and I know He will show me the way ahead, even when I can't see around the corners. 










Friday, February 8, 2019

The Downward Spiral of a 'Nice Person' - Part 3



The Empath in Trouble

Image result for the empath in trouble imageMy awesome week of freezing temperatures and somewhat less work is coming to an end...I think I had better seize the day and continue writing!

Today we will check out what an empath in trouble looks like.
The dark side of it all can destroy the relationships, true self, and entire world of an empath.

 To summarize,

  • Empaths attach relentlessly to those in need. 
  • The need to please burns out the empath. 
  • The strong internal critic turns outward into cynicism and fierce anger towards real or perceived enemies. 

Attachment to Energy Vampires

The gut instinct of most people will tell them when an unsafe person is present or trying to break down their defenses. 
In an empath, these internal instincts are over-ridden by a hyper sensitive attachment system, the strong need to please and help, and feelings of guilt or unworthiness. Because of this, empaths are targeted by unstable personalities, such as those with narcissistic traits and even sociopaths. 
Why?

The empath is easily manipulated by sob stories and emotional pleas. 

The empath is incredibly loyal and is "programmed" to never give up on people and relationships.

The empath believes in the goodness and potential of every person. 

The empath will keep giving even when exhausted and physically and emotionally depleted. 

Wow, is this ever true for me!
I cannot even count the number of times I have either reached out to or been targeted by unstable, very needy, troubled personalities. So much that I began to regard it as a gift, as if I had been selected by the heavens to love these people. There may still be an element of truth there, I don't know. Right now I'm searching and learning, and I can't rule everything out, essentially jumping from one ditch into another. 

If you meet someone and they pour out their heart to you, it feels like such a fragile, wonderful trust that you never want to break it or let them down. That is until your own face hits the concrete. 

Here are a few things these people have used to gain and keep my trust. 
  • Testing my emotional receptiveness. Example: playing sad songs. For no apparent reason, playing a really melancholy song that talks about loss, death, and pain, and then carefully observing my response. This has occurred several times, and I had no clue what was going on. 
  • Oversharing personal details of their life, and asking for personal details of my life. 
  • Mirroring what I am interested in or passionate about. This one is particularly tricky. 
  • Playing the "God card". Talking about God, even sharing bible verses, or promising to come to church or a bible study. This tactic definitely extends what you are willing to do, give, or go through for the person. I have observed this in other friend's pathological situations as well, where a person gets what they want by playing up the spiritual aspect. 
  • Intentionally crossing boundaries until you are conditioned and permanently move the boundary lines. This is where repressed anger and frustration can build, and eventually save the empath if they become willing to express it, use it as a tool for change, and stop the insanity.
  • Gaslighting - saying that things were different than you remember, or that they didn't do what they did, because you remember it wrong. Questioning your perception of reality.  

A couple of easy ways I have found to detect if someone in your life is using you: 

1 - Try saying NO. It won't go over well, or you will end up saying yes later. Somehow. 
2 - Talk about the successes or virtues of someone else. They will find a way to undermine this and discredit the person. 
3 - Test the mirroring by pretending to be passionate about an issue or idea...within a short time they too, will be into it. 


Steps of the Downward Spiral


The empath loses trust in themselves. The excessive helping and trying to make everything work out takes a high toll on the physical and mental health of the empath, and they start to break down. Self-doubt and even illness can result, as the empath has poured everything available to them into helping, even pushing away their other important relationships to defend the toxic person. 

The dark side of the hyper-activated attachment system, need to please, and internal critic become awakened and the empath becomes resentful and disillusioned. The resources going out are unsustainable. The empath goes from being very nice, agreeable, and forgiving to cynical, resentful, and depressed. 
As the strong internal critic turns outward, the empath grows a distorted view of the world, seeing everyone as an enemy. In the exhausted and burnt out phase of the spiral, they start to isolate and become completely miserable and toxic themselves. This is the final stage of the burnt out empath. To advance and mature from this state is essential, and takes a great deal of self-reflection, learning, help from others, and the grace of God. This is where I am. I don't want to lose myself, lose my empathy, lose my grip on a stable reality, and lose my witness and passion for Christ. 

And so, onward and upward. 

A special thanks to Dr. Abdul Saad of Vital Mind Psychology in Australia for his helpful and expert knowledge, and I'd like to give him credit for many points in this blog post. If you would like to view the video for yourself, I will add it here. 




Tired and Ready for Change

I am honestly so tired of allowing people to walk all over me. It's time for this dusty rug to get cleaned up, shaken out, and hung up somewhere safer, where the colors and design can be seen. Hopefully I will have the ability to take the discovering and learning to the next level - real life. Without zipping up so tight that there is no one left in my circle. 

In the next blog I plan to start unpacking how an empath can heal and change, and start to enjoy life in an authentic, caring, whole new way. 
Thanks again for your support and interest in the journey. 

















Thursday, February 7, 2019

The Empath: Altruist or Codependent?

Discovering the Empath - Part 2

A Wee Bit 'o Background

I continue the journey of discovery today, looking at how an empath functions in the real world. 

Now, most people are empathetic at some level, having the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. 
The empath, however, shares these feelings to the highest degree. They do not just notice another's mood or emotion, they enter into it. It is pervasive and inescapable. They have a terrible time with stressful environments, and where someone is angry or frustrated, sad or lonely, the empath is deeply feeling all of these emotions. They are highly sensitive in that their senses are attuned so much to others they have a hard time living in reality. 

When watching a movie, an Empath may have to leave the room when there is violence or a person or animal is in pain. They are unable to remove themselves from the feelings being portrayed.
Second-hand embarrassment is a term for when a person feels so much embarrassment for someone else that it is physically painful; they may look incredibly uncomfortable when others are making fools of themselves or experiencing an embarrassing situation. For example, I love comedy and comedians, but cannot enjoy watching a sitcom where the actor is about to do something foolish, or is made to look ridiculous. It's weird, I know, but unless I have seen the episode many times, I will actually turn it off or do something else until the scene is over. It is like something is twisting my insides.
Or if I know a scene is about to get violent I will have to leave for a bit...and if I can't leave, will focus on something else and try to "turn off" my brain. Strange, I know! 

As a child in school I would sense from the sound of the teacher's shoes on the floor what they were feeling. Mrs. So and So is having a rough day - they are upset, they are sad, they are not well. 

Too many feels.

One way to deal with the barrage of emotional processing going on for everyone around is to turn off your own emotions. I did have problems identifying what I was feeling, or what I needed at any given time. This is where the fake or false self develops.
Not allowing any true emotions to come through eventually creates an almost impenetrable barrier, and unfortunately leads to a lot of stagnant anger that can build up to really awful, explosive rage. 
"Wow, where did all that anger come from! What's wrong with you?!"
Probably from years of smiling and saying "ok, sure" when I wanted to say a whole lot of other words. 

Pretty quickly, an empath learns that their true feelings will be devalued, they will be told they are too sensitive, that they shouldn't feel a certain way, or that they can't possibly feel this or that - and so they learn to not feel anything.
I'm fine, I'm great ... everything is great - just leave me alone.   

And there is some truth to the problem of being overly sensitive. It can be really annoying for others when the empath is caught up in identifying with too much emotion. Like, just, get with the program. Empaths are aware of this, as well. They will downplay feeling as much as possible in order to keep a sense of normalcy. 

Naughty or Nice

In one of Dr. Saad's videos he discusses the 3 types of empaths. 
The first is a healthy state of being - he calls it Authentic Altruist, or highly functioning empath. Still truly wanting to help others, they are not attached to the outcome.  This person is grounded, self-aware, and knows their limitations for giving. There has been growth to the point that they are living in reality, and can authentically assist others without losing themselves. 

The second on the continuum is the Proud Helper. They are self-deceived and mostly unaware of how their motivation is tied up with feeling good about helping others. They are able to suppress their resentment at being used and are able to read the cues when a situation is not going well, or when they need to pull back. This empath is mainly unconscious of the pride in their accomplishment of loving or helping another person. They feel frustrated, but maintain a grounding in reality. 

The third, most pathological level of empath is the Co-Dependent. They have an almost obsessive need to heal, save and rescue. There is an addiction to trying to love other people out of their bad situations. This level can lead to irrationality and a false view of the world and their place within it. The downward spiral here can cause a lot of suffering and lead to depression and illness. 


I have found the expression of these three types of empaths extremely helpful. I only wish I had become aware of this many years ago. Unfortunately a good deal of the self-help literature out there, even in Christian circles, paints a false and over-inflated idea of empaths as persecuted, righteous givers, misunderstood care-takers of a mean and nasty world. It definitely can feel that way. However, this victim mentality only robs the empath of true growth and deep understanding of their own problems. 

This is Pretty Obvious Stuff

To many people, these revelations are not going to resonate. Isn't this just common sense? 
Well, yes. Most healthy people do not struggle like this, always wanting to give, fix, help and love those who may feel unlovable. 

The big problem lies in empaths taking on the role of savior for other people. The empath does not realize when they are being exploited and often will not listen to others try to explain what is happening, because they feel like they are the only ones who understand. What could be wrong with loving people? What could be wrong with trying to help? 
In the next post I hope to look further at the downward spiral and notice the kind of people who are attracted to empaths. 
Where there is an excess of love and support there will always be those looking to use whatever is available for their own gain. Why do businesses lock up shop when they leave? To keep out the looters and thieves. In the same way, caring people need boundaries to keep the energy vampires from entering their world and running away with everything precious and good. 




Poem for Growing 2019

For Poetry's Sake


These Violent Delights


She will drop madness from a pen. 
And from this loss, these ashes,
Softly springs
A twining vine - a growing thing
Green above the deadened mulch of soil

In Care's dim glow, unsolved
And falling slow
A gardener she becomes
Bent low and coaxing daily from illusion
Realities to glitter sharply in fresh suns

"Death be not proud."  You -
were not bright, but sudden gone,
Though bitter tastes the air behind your wake.
The mourner's song floats low among the trees 
A brown leaf journeys to the ground. 

The great dream heavy lies
Crumbling visage of stone on sand - 
      god no more. And in his crown
A worm crawls 'round,
Feeding on the insane root unseen.
























Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Discovering the Empath

Blog for the Empath 


Good day to you good people of earth!
It is -35 with a wind chill of -1000 out there, and it's rough, but has been a gift to me today. The school where I teach is closed, and so here we go blogging.

In my life there has been a good deal of struggle, with most (if not all of it) being brought on by Me, Myself and I. For years I have sought to figure out why I do the things I do and who on earth I am, and have come across one road block after another... until I pretty much gave up that fight and dug in for a life of self-loathing and survival - grim smile and all.

In recent months I have begun to put a few pieces together.

Why Write About It?

It does seem that I process ideas better by writing about them. So perhaps in the writing there will be more revelation. And perhaps through putting some of my process out there, another person will benefit and have an "Aha!" moment in their own struggle. 

Who or what is an Empath?

I first heard this term from my daughter, who is rather well-educated in psychology, a year or two ago. It stuck with me. 

The Miriam-Webster Dictionary defines the term thus:

empath

 noun
em·​path | \ ˈem-ˌpath  \

Definition of empath

one who experiences the emotions of others a person who has empathy for others.


In clinical psychology the term has broader levels of meaning, as it defines (on a spectrum) a person who is"highly sensitive", and the term is helpful (as most labels are) in getting a basic idea of the personality of an individual, and is not meant to demean or categorize someone for life. 

So though I may identity with the traits of an empath, that does not mean I will always regard myself as such or make excuses, whine, cry, or otherwise play the victim under the banner of this term. It is simply a tool or guidepost for understanding. 
The following link has a more exhaustive exploration of the "top ten traits". 

10 Traits of an Empath

A few of the traits are that empaths absorb the emotions of others, are highly intuitive, need alone time, and often give too much. 

(I haven't read Judith Orloff's website other than this list... so take that as a disclaimer) 


Why does it matter?

In my lifetime I have had several friendships (also relationships, but that is another whole animal) that I would say were...errrmm...toxic? Detrimental? One-sided? A source of disillusionment?

From childhood I tended to attract friends who enjoyed bossing me around. I would do whatever they wanted.  I felt somehow that it was my service to humanity to let them, as they seemed to have such a great need for it. I also had a few decent, healthy friendships in my youth, and began at last to have an ever-so-slight awareness of the difference.

Why did I keep attracting people who ended up taking over my life, or using me as pawns in some game I didn't know we were playing?

Let me tell you about one friendship as an example. 

About half-way through university I made a friend - let's call her Daisy. Daisy was quiet, mature, and seemed sad and troubled. The problem with making friends at college is you often don't know their family, history, or other friends, and so you take them at face value, which can be both good and bad.

Daisy seemed to like all the same things as I did - going to the pier and watching the ocean, going for coffee at cool places, having deep intellectual conversations. She didn't seem to have any other friends, but that never bothered me. I mean, weren't people mostly 'idiots and fakes' anyway...(another idea we agreed on heartily). 
As time went on, I sensed a possessive undercurrent when I was with Daisy, like she resented time I spent with other people. She would ask about everything else I was doing in my life, the who, what when and where. I thought it was her being polite and interested, but she was actually just learning about me and who else in my life she needed to worry about. Daisy told me about some of her terrible childhood and her current alienation from her family. She had good reason, as there had been abuse in her extended family. I was sympathetic and tried to be understanding and a caring friend, and she wanted to spend more and more time with me. 

It was slow and gradual, but I eventually noticed that I did not want to be around Daisy for very long. I felt exhausted somehow after hanging out with her. 
I had a lot going on in my own life, with school and a job and other stresses. There always seemed to be something wrong, like I wasn't doing enough or being enough. 
Eventually Daisy found ways to keep our friendship going. She asked me to help take care of her pet and once to take over house-sitting for her. When I pulled away, she began to have crisis after crisis. She was suicidal - she needed me to come and talk. I took her to the hospital on at least three occasions, but she never would stay. Everything always seemed to be fine once we arrived, though we would wait in emergency sometimes for hours. M|y heart truly broke for her, and I didn't really care that it was taking a toll on me, because I wanted to help. 

It was really hard for me to say 'No'. I couldn't do it, especially with someone who was so broken. I tried to link her with other friends and support groups, but that just made things worse, because now I didn't care and was trying to abandon her. 
I was eventually able to separate myself from the friendship by moving away. I realized that there couldn't really be "closure", and I would have to go on feeling like I had let her down, but I knew I needed to get away from the friendship. It was hurting me and didn't seem to be really helping her either.
(There is a lot more to the story; this is the watered-down, brief version.)

I'm telling this story because it is only one example of a pattern I have followed in relationships. People would tell me "You are the only one who 'gets me'". I felt flattered and important. 
They would tell me "I've never had more fun than when I'm with you." Again, wow. I'm fun and amazing and significant. 
"I don't know what I would do without your friendship." I felt needed and worthwhile. 

In the last 15 years or so I have been blessed with a few REAL, godly, wonderful friends, who I am truly grateful for. I have learned a little at least. 

However, there have been other life situations where I am still following old patterns, and reaping the whirlwind. This has been a deeply troubling realization. By looking at the actions and consequences of my past and examining the way I think, some truths have begun to emerge. 

Help from Several Sources

God's Word is the ultimate source of truth and revelation.
The Bible isn't meant to be a psychology textbook, however; it is the story of God's love and redemption for humanity through Jesus Christ. 
Jesus is an incredible example though of how to love others well. He doesn't tell them what they want to hear, he says what is true and what they need to know. Jesus was not a people pleaser. He would never flatter or manipulate. He went up to a mountain to pray and be refreshed and didn't feel the need to apologize for it.
I could go on with examples, but one wants to be cautious with referring to the Son of God as merely an example of how to Do Life well. He is much more than that! The Holy Spirit also helps us in our weakness and guides us into truth.  

Another source recently has been YouTube. It takes a good deal of time and patience to sort through the self-serving, victim-mentality videos, the click-bait, the people just trying to get an audience (so they say what you already think or want to hear).

However, there is some good help out there. Recently I found video series by clinical psychologist Dr. Abdul Saad, at www.vitalmind.com.au. He doesn't say what some empaths want to hear - that we are perfect, misunderstood, loving people, taken horrible advantage of.

No. 
He thoughtfully and wisely lays out the facts. 
Empaths have a temperament defined by a
1. Hyperactivated attachment system
2. Need to please
3. Strong internal critic.

Empaths also have a type of pride that gets them in trouble. Says Dr. Saad.

What?! Pride?? No one wants to hear that word. However, it is true. HE'S RIGHT!  
Empaths can become Proud Helpers.

The ability to sense and understand, take on even, the pain and feelings of others does not mean we are the best ones to help. We don't know everything. Our over-helping tends to meet up with those people who are characterized by Over-Taking. We try and try to help, and often end up with a painful mess, and it is partly the empath's fault. My fault. Like a Shakespearean flaw, the hero becomes the anti-hero, unaware that they have brought in a type of virus that can break down their reality and  relationships and cause pain to everyone they care about.


I will link a short video on the Anatomy of an Empath. Really good stuff.

 https://youtu.be/rb5e0LC7YkA

Just Getting Started

There is a ton more to unpack here, and this is just an introduction to what I am discovering. So if I stay brave enough (and maybe if it stays a zillion degrees of frozen so I have time to write - haha) this should be the first part in a series. 

The reason this topic is so important to me is that the devil will use any cracks in our armor to get to us and to get to our children. The unhealed, broken areas of our lives are open invitations to bring chaos and discord to the most precious ones in our lives. By learning to heal my flaws and areas of weakness, I can shore up those essential defenses, and also find more peace and wholeness in my own life.
Praise the Lord for his help and goodness toward me. 

Thanks for reading! 

Pam