The Empath in Trouble
My awesome week of freezing temperatures and somewhat less work is coming to an end...I think I had better seize the day and continue writing!Today we will check out what an empath in trouble looks like.
The dark side of it all can destroy the relationships, true self, and entire world of an empath.
To summarize,
- Empaths attach relentlessly to those in need.
- The need to please burns out the empath.
- The strong internal critic turns outward into cynicism and fierce anger towards real or perceived enemies.
Attachment to Energy Vampires
The gut instinct of most people will tell them when an unsafe person is present or trying to break down their defenses.
In an empath, these internal instincts are over-ridden by a hyper sensitive attachment system, the strong need to please and help, and feelings of guilt or unworthiness. Because of this, empaths are targeted by unstable personalities, such as those with narcissistic traits and even sociopaths.
Why?
The empath is easily manipulated by sob stories and emotional pleas.
The empath is incredibly loyal and is "programmed" to never give up on people and relationships.
The empath believes in the goodness and potential of every person.
The empath will keep giving even when exhausted and physically and emotionally depleted.
Wow, is this ever true for me!
I cannot even count the number of times I have either reached out to or been targeted by unstable, very needy, troubled personalities. So much that I began to regard it as a gift, as if I had been selected by the heavens to love these people. There may still be an element of truth there, I don't know. Right now I'm searching and learning, and I can't rule everything out, essentially jumping from one ditch into another.
If you meet someone and they pour out their heart to you, it feels like such a fragile, wonderful trust that you never want to break it or let them down. That is until your own face hits the concrete.
Here are a few things these people have used to gain and keep my trust.
- Testing my emotional receptiveness. Example: playing sad songs. For no apparent reason, playing a really melancholy song that talks about loss, death, and pain, and then carefully observing my response. This has occurred several times, and I had no clue what was going on.
- Oversharing personal details of their life, and asking for personal details of my life.
- Mirroring what I am interested in or passionate about. This one is particularly tricky.
- Playing the "God card". Talking about God, even sharing bible verses, or promising to come to church or a bible study. This tactic definitely extends what you are willing to do, give, or go through for the person. I have observed this in other friend's pathological situations as well, where a person gets what they want by playing up the spiritual aspect.
- Intentionally crossing boundaries until you are conditioned and permanently move the boundary lines. This is where repressed anger and frustration can build, and eventually save the empath if they become willing to express it, use it as a tool for change, and stop the insanity.
- Gaslighting - saying that things were different than you remember, or that they didn't do what they did, because you remember it wrong. Questioning your perception of reality.
A couple of easy ways I have found to detect if someone in your life is using you:
1 - Try saying NO. It won't go over well, or you will end up saying yes later. Somehow.
2 - Talk about the successes or virtues of someone else. They will find a way to undermine this and discredit the person.
3 - Test the mirroring by pretending to be passionate about an issue or idea...within a short time they too, will be into it.
Steps of the Downward Spiral
The empath loses trust in themselves. The excessive helping and trying to make everything work out takes a high toll on the physical and mental health of the empath, and they start to break down. Self-doubt and even illness can result, as the empath has poured everything available to them into helping, even pushing away their other important relationships to defend the toxic person.
The dark side of the hyper-activated attachment system, need to please, and internal critic become awakened and the empath becomes resentful and disillusioned. The resources going out are unsustainable. The empath goes from being very nice, agreeable, and forgiving to cynical, resentful, and depressed.
As the strong internal critic turns outward, the empath grows a distorted view of the world, seeing everyone as an enemy. In the exhausted and burnt out phase of the spiral, they start to isolate and become completely miserable and toxic themselves. This is the final stage of the burnt out empath. To advance and mature from this state is essential, and takes a great deal of self-reflection, learning, help from others, and the grace of God. This is where I am. I don't want to lose myself, lose my empathy, lose my grip on a stable reality, and lose my witness and passion for Christ.
And so, onward and upward.
A special thanks to Dr. Abdul Saad of Vital Mind Psychology in Australia for his helpful and expert knowledge, and I'd like to give him credit for many points in this blog post. If you would like to view the video for yourself, I will add it here.
Tired and Ready for Change
I am honestly so tired of allowing people to walk all over me. It's time for this dusty rug to get cleaned up, shaken out, and hung up somewhere safer, where the colors and design can be seen. Hopefully I will have the ability to take the discovering and learning to the next level - real life. Without zipping up so tight that there is no one left in my circle.
In the next blog I plan to start unpacking how an empath can heal and change, and start to enjoy life in an authentic, caring, whole new way.
Thanks again for your support and interest in the journey.
