On Being a Woman in the Church

Women in Ministry

'You call me out upon the waters...the great unknown, where feet may fail'
(Hillsong)

There are many topics swirling through my head, but this one kept coming back to roost. And I think a break from coronavirus quandaries is merited. 

I am very aware, in broaching this subject, of feeling like I'm standing alone on a raft in the middle of the ocean, storms brewing in the background, waves beginning to toss. For this blog I will keep to my own experiences as a woman in the church, and in this way open a conversation, with perhaps a more rigorous analysis as follow-up. 

I began attending church with my parents at the age of 4. There were many good men and good women serving alongside each other, and I had some wonderful, godly Sunday School teachers that were, granted, mostly women, and one man who taught Jr. Church with exuberance, patience, and compassion.

I did notice that the roles were quite tightly followed, roles of women preparing and cleaning in the kitchen, and men sitting around tables or behind closed doors having very important meetings. In my own family, I am blessed with a dad who has the heart of a servant. Though he has been a business owner for 45 years, he was also often the first to arrive, making coffee or a pancake breakfast before Sunday School, and the last to leave - mopping the floors and locking the doors. What an incredible example he has been and still is.

When I went to friend's homes, however, I sometimes wondered at how the men would sit in the living room relaxing and doing as little as possible, while the women cooked, served, cleaned and tidied up afterward. Not that anyone seemed upset about it - this was just the way it was.
And I think this attitude and these roles were often unconsciously brought over into church life. No one was trying to 'promote the patriarchy' or cause abuse. There was probably very little thought put into it at all. 

Through my childhood and teen years the idea gradually cemented that men were to think and to decide, and women were to do and to serve. I often heard about the "gossiping woman" and how much damage she could do, and I do believe many women stay quiet in the church to avoid this shameful title. In essence, however, the men in their late and closed door meetings were discussing exactly the same church issues that the women were when they met at the park or the Bible study, with the same intelligent ideas, thoughtfulness, prayer, and dedication. But for the women, that was the end of it. Perhaps a wife talked things over late at night with her husband.  Perhaps he even used her ideas, either with or without giving her any credit for it. Maybe she was fine with that, as staying in the background would invite less criticism and less raising of eyebrows, less labeling as a pushy or conniving woman. 

Again, I do not believe there is intent to trod down women in the church.
Perhaps in some instances.
However, as we know, intent and outcome are often two entirely different kettles of fish.  

Where do toxic and blame-ridden ideas about women come from? Often, they are sadly grounded in reality and experience. 

Yes, there are women who gossip and cause problems behind the scenes. 

I've seen it, definitely.

I have heard stories from Christian leaders about when they couldn't give a woman what she demanded, either an audience or a role, and she created a wasp nest of derision and slander that took an incredible toll on the time and resources of that ministry. There are women, as there are men, who clamour for attention in churches, sapping the energy of the board members and the church as a whole. These people will never be satisfied. They have an endless need for validation, and if churches and ministries are wise, they will open the door only so far. Do not give a constant audience to such people, as it will appear necessary and even a form of ministry, but your church will suffer greatly for it. 

Yes, some women in churches can cause issues. If they are given an inch, they will grasp for the proverbial mile. However, I must say that the biggest hissy fit may be from a man who is used to being listened to, used to having his way, and accustomed to forcing his opinion - when he is not granted the audience or the attention he desires. 

My Experience

There are many stories I could tell, but one experience has occurred regularly, for years. As a worship leader who leads with my husband, I notice congregants approach him often after a service. They automatically go to him to say "thank you for the worship". These lovely people do not realize it was me who poured over songs, prayed, planned, re-planned, practiced, gathered a team, typed up an order of service, and led the practice. Hours of preparation. And I'm happy to do it! My husband is a great guy and says, "Thank you very much, I'll pass that on to Pam", or tells me about the comment later. I do not mind this at all; I accept it. If I was the type of worship leader who was looking for accolades and pats on the back, I shouldn't be up there to begin with. 

Why though, is this the status quo?

Why do I sometimes wish I wasn't a woman, in church?

One time I needed to ask my Pastor something, and stopped by the church office. This was a very rare occasion, in fact I had never done it before, but this was a request of some urgency involving someone who needed care.

He wasn't in, and I was told I couldn't call him from my cell phone. I had to use someone else's phone, and call his wife's cell, and then he could talk to me. 

That was fine; I know that Pastors need strict boundaries, and I respect that fully. No problem. But why did I feel so dirty? Why was I feeling ashamed when I just needed a moment of his time? Yes, Pastors need boundaries, but in this situation I began to wonder why women in church are often made to feel like they are too much, or like we are all trying to lead the poor Pastor astray at every turn. This was the furthest thing from my mind, and yet I felt shame. I haven't approached a Pastor since. 

As a woman in church, I have learned to downplay my ideas and my role. Now this is going to sound really silly, and I don't blame you if you roll your eyes at me...

Often I will purposely struggle or appear to take more time to gather my thoughts, or force a simple look onto my face when talking to a man regarding the church or theology. Either that, or laugh and say, "I probably don't know what I'm talking about."
Crazy right? 

Why do I feel it is necessary to do that? 

I know I can match a conversation with any man, mind for mind, thought for thought. Still I hide. What am I hiding from? 

I think it's the Labels. 

Even now I'm wondering if I should bother posting this because it will invite the Labels. Should I be encouraging conversation around these issues?

She's Difficult. 

She thinks she knows it all. 

She's a little bit....well, feminist. 

(Ugh, I really don't like the connotations of that word. Is it actually possible to be a Christian and feminist? Can we please invent another word? I'm feeling triggered.)

It is alright to be creative, and also logical? 

Compassionate, and strong? 

Thoughtful, and also kinda humorous?

Feminine, and able to lead?

Jesus and Women

Jesus showed equal compassion for male and female, rich and poor, slave and free, tax collector and prostitute, Nicodemus the Pharisee and the woman at the well. He demonstrated that it is the individual who is important. Jesus met all people at a point in their personal story, and gave of His time and His love, wisdom and grace, knowing exactly where they were headed and what they needed.

He never caused a woman to feel less than, or ashamed because she was a woman. 

Jesus is still doing this today with our individual stories. He understands the struggles faced by men and by women, because He is God. 

If we can treat every person as the special and unique individual they are, without labels, we can continue to make progress in our churches. If we can leave our cultural and worldly understandings outside, and embrace each other as brothers and sisters, we will also leave shame and misunderstandings at the door. 

Keep the Conversation Going

This is a hard issue - women in the church. 

I generally like to write about perspectives where I already have a firm understanding, but this, this feels like a work in progress. 

I know some will think I go too far, and others not nearly far enough. Some of you reading will have struggled to get past the Hillsong lyric at the start.
Perhaps someone has already labeled me "a liberal Christian". 

No, I don't think I am. But I do believe that men and women in the church need to keep the back and forth of ideas and share perspectives, and see if we can create spaces for women to be themselves in church.

Women, lets support one another and refuse to be threatened by each other.

My fellow sisters, your voice will create the space around you that you need, or that others may need from you. The respect you earn will be yours. If you abuse the voice or platform you are given, the disrespect you earn will also be yours, so speak with wisdom, with care, with courage. But speak up.

We have to stop apologizing for being who we are. Whether you are a woman who loves teaching small kids, loves ministering with hospitality, or loves theology and discussion, your voice and your perspective are important. If you have the capacity to step into a different role than what others may expect, go for it.

You do not need to hide your light in order that others may shine brighter. 

You are not too much; you have intelligence and wisdom, and your thoughts and ideas can stand up and be counted.

Insert Bible Verses Here

(I wrote a paragraph about what the Bible says regarding the roles of women, complete with references and verses about delighting in God's commands... but deleted it. I'll save that for another time. This particular post is about how I feel being a woman in the church. It's about the questions, not about all the answers.)

To Conclude...

Help me keep the conversation going. What do you think the issues are that affect women in church? Do any of my thoughts resonate with you? Or am I alone in feeling that something is off, or that I wish it was easier?

I recall once years ago asking a question in a member's meeting with a pastoral candidate. I said, "What do you believe about the role of women in the church?" He tried to laugh off the whole question with the whole - you're going to get me in trouble here - spiel, but eventually replied, "Well, women can of course serve in the kitchen, with the food and hospitality, and they can of course teach the Sunday School, well the younger ones, I mean..." and then he trailed off. I sat down, feeling so baffled. Had this pastor really never thought it through? And why was I frustrated with his answer? There must be something wrong with me, I thought. After all, no one else had asked the question. Maybe I had crossed some line, again. Where was the line, anyway?

Is it better if women are seen and not heard? 

Are churches doing a great job? 

Perhaps your church or ministry is thriving and there are no issues. Women have a voice, a say, and a presence there. I do hope so. 

What have I missed? Tell me your stories.