Road to Recovery - Part 4

Getting Your Life Back 

How do we get back on the right track as empaths and people pleasers? Is it possible?

Seems to be quite possible. However, there is a need to educate yourself first, and that can be a tough time. Realizing on both a cognitive and heart level that there are problems and issues in your life isn't much fun. 

I know from hard life experience that calling people out on their blind spots can be next to impossible. I'm thinking back to times when I was warned about certain situations, and I could not see it. I would not see it. The attraction and bond to what I felt I needed was too great - like a mountain in the way, I could not see ahead. 

Trying to warn someone that the path they are on is going to end in a foul swamp of pain and misery is not what they want to hear. We all know this, especially as adults. We've all been in such swamps. Many of us have taken years to get the stench of misery out of our clothes and the dregs of pain off of our minds and hearts. There is always something to blame, some rationale that makes perfect sense at the time. 

So I have grace and kindness for my younger self; where once I would have mentally beaten myself up for mistakes, I now see that for the counter-productive cow manure it is.  

In The Pilgrim's Progess, Christian receives a number of such warnings. He still falls asleep in By-Path Meadow, loses his scroll on the Hill Difficulty, and is persuaded off the path by Worldly-Wiseman. He learns from each mistake, but the suffering and ground lost are real and the consequences sometimes severe. 

At one point Hopeful and Christian almost fall into a deep pit. 

"Who could have thought that this path would lead us astray?"

 Hopeful replied, "I was afraid it might from the very first, and that is why I gave you that gentle caution. I would have spoken more firmly, but you are older than I." 

The Pilgrim's Progress is gold; I purchased a beautiful hard cover copy to read often, and it never fails to set my heart on Christ again. 

I remember participating in a study years ago using the popular book Boundaries by Dr.'s Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I have read it a few times since, and there is such a wealth of wisdom there for everyone, but particularly people like me. The chapter that resonated the most was on "Boundaries and Yourself". Who knew we needed boundaries with ourselves? Oh, but we do.  We can be our own worst enemies. Learning boundaries is a humbling experience, because it involves taking responsibility for ourselves, for our weaknesses, insecurities, and for our own contentment. Empaths often feel stretched and out of touch with their own needs and feelings. As a result, it is a constant temptation to put the responsibility on someone else. 

If other people weren't so obnoxious. 

If my family could just back off. 

If my significant other could read my mind, that would help. 

Empaths (and the rest of the world) need to take responsibility for their own lives. 

This is hard. Really hard. Because spending our lives taking care of or helping others takes the focus off what maybe we could or should be doing. This is the big problem - avoiding one's own needs by seeking out the needs of someone else. 

Always looking after the needs of others also means there is always someone else to blame. 

Practical Stepping Stones 

• Reduce time spent with those who drain your energy, and increase time spent with people who have your best interest at heart.

This step is probably going to be counter-intuitive. It appears at first glance to be logical, but often people-pleasing, agreeable empaths will do the opposite. They will perpetually scan the horizon for empty, disadvantaged individuals, and actually avoid those who care about them the most. 

• Reduce the need to please by realizing and acknowledging your worth. 

Empaths seek to please others and always be highly agreeable partly because of a deep-seated sense of unworthiness. The equation of "I made you happy, and now I feel a sense of worth from doing that" must be inverted to "I have worth, and therefore I am able to give." I give because I have worth, rather than I gain worth through my giving. I am loved and worthy of love whether I give or not. 

• Reduce stress in order to lessen the critical messages coming from within. 

The more stress an empath is experiencing, the harder they are on themselves. The judgmental, critical voice comes out and takes over, pummeling the empath with an internal attack of fear and anger. Predatory and manipulative individuals can set the internal critic going by preying on fears of failure, accompanied with the stress of trying to make it all work out. 

Ways to keep stress manageable are (Captain Obvious) eating well, sleep, and exercise, and also staying clear of people who ask too much of you. Sometimes these situations are unavoidable, but being aware can really help. 

Stay Grounded

I'm learning to stay in a better place. Now that I am more aware of my own tendency toward self-sabotage, it is easier to rise above what used to get me down. 

I don't shrink so much from taking care of myself these days; I know it is necessary. 

Meditating on the gifts and joys in life gives hope and strength to keep going. My family, my kids, my husband, my job, music, nature, and most of all the kindness of a good and loving God are the gifts and joys I hold onto. 

Getting out there, making plans, challenging myself, creating, writing, teaching, worshiping, reveling in beauty and nature, having coffee with a good friend...these are what give living so much LIFE. 

I have a good God. He gives wisdom even when I have spent a lot of time with folly, and I know He will show me the way ahead, even when I can't see around the corners. 

The Empath: Altruist or Codependent?

Discovering the Empath - Part 2

A Wee Bit 'o Background

I continue the journey of discovery today, looking at how an empath functions in the real world. 

Now, most people are empathetic at some level, having the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. 

The empath, however, shares these feelings to the highest degree. They do not just notice another's mood or emotion, they enter into it. It is pervasive and inescapable. They have a terrible time with stressful environments, and where someone is angry or frustrated, sad or lonely, the empath is deeply feeling all of these emotions. They are highly sensitive in that their senses are attuned so much to others they have a hard time living in reality. 

When watching a movie, an Empath may have to leave the room when there is violence or a person or animal is in pain. They are unable to remove themselves from the feelings being portrayed.
Second-hand embarrassment is a term for when a person feels so much embarrassment for someone else that it is physically painful; they may look incredibly uncomfortable when others are making fools of themselves or experiencing an embarrassing situation. For example, I love comedy and comedians, but cannot enjoy watching a sitcom where the actor is about to do something foolish, or is made to look ridiculous. It's weird, I know, but unless I have seen the episode many times, I will actually turn it off or do something else until the scene is over. It is like something is twisting my insides.
Or if I know a scene is about to get violent I will have to leave for a bit...and if I can't leave, will focus on something else and try to "turn off" my brain. Strange, I know! 

As a child in school I would sense from the sound of the teacher's shoes on the floor what they were feeling. Mrs. So and So is having a rough day - they are upset, they are sad, they are not well. 

Too many feels.

One way to deal with the barrage of emotional processing going on for everyone around is to turn off your own emotions. I did have problems identifying what I was feeling, or what I needed at any given time. This is where the fake or false self develops.
Not allowing any true emotions to come through eventually creates an almost impenetrable barrier, and unfortunately leads to a lot of stagnant anger that can build up to really awful, explosive rage. 

"Wow, where did all that anger come from! What's wrong with you?!"

Probably from years of smiling and saying "ok, sure" when I wanted to say a whole lot of other words. 

Pretty quickly, an empath learns that their true feelings will be devalued, they will be told they are too sensitive, that they shouldn't feel a certain way, or that they can't possibly feel this or that - and so they learn to not feel anything.
I'm fine, I'm great ... everything is great - just leave me alone.   

And there is some truth to the problem of being overly sensitive. It can be really annoying for others when the empath is caught up in identifying with too much emotion. Like, just, get with the program. Empaths are aware of this, as well. They will downplay feeling as much as possible in order to keep a sense of normalcy. 

Naughty or Nice

In one of Dr. Saad's videos he discusses the 3 types of empaths. 

The first is a healthy state of being - he calls it Authentic Altruist, or highly functioning empath. Still truly wanting to help others, they are not attached to the outcome.  This person is grounded, self-aware, and knows their limitations for giving. There has been growth to the point that they are living in reality, and can authentically assist others without losing themselves. 

The second on the continuum is the Proud Helper. They are self-deceived and mostly unaware of how their motivation is tied up with feeling good about helping others. They are able to suppress their resentment at being used and are able to read the cues when a situation is not going well, or when they need to pull back. This empath is mainly unconscious of the pride in their accomplishment of loving or helping another person. They feel frustrated, but maintain a grounding in reality. 

The third, most pathological level of empath is the Co-Dependent. They have an almost obsessive need to heal, save and rescue. There is an addiction to trying to love other people out of their bad situations. This level can lead to irrationality and a false view of the world and their place within it. The downward spiral here can cause a lot of suffering and lead to depression and illness. 

I have found the expression of these three types of empaths extremely helpful. I only wish I had become aware of this many years ago. Unfortunately a good deal of the self-help literature out there, even in Christian circles, paints a false and over-inflated idea of empaths as persecuted, righteous givers, misunderstood care-takers of a mean and nasty world. It definitely can feel that way. However, this victim mentality only robs the empath of true growth and deep understanding of their own problems. 

This is Pretty Obvious Stuff

To many people, these revelations are not going to resonate. Isn't this just common sense? 

Well, yes. Most healthy people do not struggle like this, always wanting to give, fix, help and love those who may feel unlovable. 

The big problem lies in empaths taking on the role of savior for other people. The empath does not realize when they are being exploited and often will not listen to others try to explain what is happening, because they feel like they are the only ones who understand. What could be wrong with loving people? What could be wrong with trying to help? 

In the next post I hope to look further at the downward spiral and notice the kind of people who are attracted to empaths. 

Where there is an excess of love and support there will always be those looking to use whatever is available for their own gain. Why do businesses lock up shop when they leave? To keep out the looters and thieves. In the same way, caring people need boundaries to keep the energy vampires from entering their world and running away with everything precious and good.