Blog for the Empath
Good day to you good people of earth!
It is -35 with a wind chill of -1000 out there, and it's rough, but has been a gift to me today. The school where I teach is closed, and so here we go blogging.
In my life there has been a good deal of struggle, with most (if not all of it) being brought on by Me, Myself and I. For years I have sought to figure out why I do the things I do and who on earth I am, and have come across one road block after another... until I pretty much gave up that fight and dug in for a life of self-loathing and survival - grim smile and all.
In recent months I have begun to put a few pieces together.
Why Write About It?
It does seem that I process ideas better by writing about them. So perhaps in the writing there will be more revelation. And perhaps through putting some of my process out there, another person will benefit and have an "Aha!" moment in their own struggle.
Who or what is an Empath?
I first heard this term from my daughter, who is rather well-educated in psychology, a year or two ago. It stuck with me.
The Miriam-Webster Dictionary defines the term thus:
empath
Definition of empath
In clinical psychology the term has broader levels of meaning, as it defines (on a spectrum) a person who is"highly sensitive", and the term is helpful (as most labels are) in getting a basic idea of the personality of an individual, and is not meant to demean or categorize someone for life.
So though I may identity with the traits of an empath, that does not mean I will always regard myself as such or make excuses, whine, cry, or otherwise play the victim under the banner of this term. It is simply a tool or guidepost for understanding.
The following link has a more exhaustive exploration of the "top ten traits".
(I haven't read Judith Orloff's website other than this list... so take that as a disclaimer)
10 Traits of an Empath
A few of the traits are that empaths absorb the emotions of others, are highly intuitive, need alone time, and often give too much.(I haven't read Judith Orloff's website other than this list... so take that as a disclaimer)
Why does it matter?
In my lifetime I have had several friendships (also relationships, but that is another whole animal) that I would say were...errrmm...toxic? Detrimental? One-sided? A source of disillusionment?
From childhood I tended to attract friends who enjoyed bossing me around. I would do whatever they wanted. I felt somehow that it was my service to humanity to let them, as they seemed to have such a great need for it. I also had a few decent, healthy friendships in my youth, and began at last to have an ever-so-slight awareness of the difference.
Why did I keep attracting people who ended up taking over my life, or using me as pawns in some game I didn't know we were playing?
Why did I keep attracting people who ended up taking over my life, or using me as pawns in some game I didn't know we were playing?
Let me tell you about one friendship as an example.
About half-way through university I made a friend - let's call her Daisy. Daisy was quiet, mature, and seemed sad and troubled. The problem with making friends at college is you often don't know their family, history, or other friends, and so you take them at face value, which can be both good and bad.
Daisy seemed to like all the same things as I did - going to the pier and watching the ocean, going for coffee at cool places, having deep intellectual conversations. She didn't seem to have any other friends, but that never bothered me. I mean, weren't people mostly 'idiots and fakes' anyway...(another idea we agreed on heartily).
Daisy seemed to like all the same things as I did - going to the pier and watching the ocean, going for coffee at cool places, having deep intellectual conversations. She didn't seem to have any other friends, but that never bothered me. I mean, weren't people mostly 'idiots and fakes' anyway...(another idea we agreed on heartily).
As time went on, I sensed a possessive undercurrent when I was with Daisy, like she resented time I spent with other people. She would ask about everything else I was doing in my life, the who, what when and where. I thought it was her being polite and interested, but she was actually just learning about me and who else in my life she needed to worry about. Daisy told me about some of her terrible childhood and her current alienation from her family. She had good reason, as there had been abuse in her extended family. I was sympathetic and tried to be understanding and a caring friend, and she wanted to spend more and more time with me.
It was slow and gradual, but I eventually noticed that I did not want to be around Daisy for very long. I felt exhausted somehow after hanging out with her.
I had a lot going on in my own life, with school and a job and other stresses. There always seemed to be something wrong, like I wasn't doing enough or being enough.
Eventually Daisy found ways to keep our friendship going. She asked me to help take care of her pet and once to take over house-sitting for her. When I pulled away, she began to have crisis after crisis. She was suicidal - she needed me to come and talk. I took her to the hospital on at least three occasions, but she never would stay. Everything always seemed to be fine once we arrived, though we would wait in emergency sometimes for hours. M|y heart truly broke for her, and I didn't really care that it was taking a toll on me, because I wanted to help.
It was really hard for me to say 'No'. I couldn't do it, especially with someone who was so broken. I tried to link her with other friends and support groups, but that just made things worse, because now I didn't care and was trying to abandon her.
I was eventually able to separate myself from the friendship by moving away. I realized that there couldn't really be "closure", and I would have to go on feeling like I had let her down, but I knew I needed to get away from the friendship. It was hurting me and didn't seem to be really helping her either.
(There is a lot more to the story; this is the watered-down, brief version.)
(There is a lot more to the story; this is the watered-down, brief version.)
I'm telling this story because it is only one example of a pattern I have followed in relationships. People would tell me "You are the only one who 'gets me'". I felt flattered and important.
They would tell me "I've never had more fun than when I'm with you." Again, wow. I'm fun and amazing and significant.
"I don't know what I would do without your friendship." I felt needed and worthwhile.
"I don't know what I would do without your friendship." I felt needed and worthwhile.
In the last 15 years or so I have been blessed with a few REAL, godly, wonderful friends, who I am truly grateful for. I have learned a little at least.
However, there have been other life situations where I am still following old patterns, and reaping the whirlwind. This has been a deeply troubling realization. By looking at the actions and consequences of my past and examining the way I think, some truths have begun to emerge.
Help from Several Sources
God's Word is the ultimate source of truth and revelation.
The Bible isn't meant to be a psychology textbook, however; it is the story of God's love and redemption for humanity through Jesus Christ.
The Bible isn't meant to be a psychology textbook, however; it is the story of God's love and redemption for humanity through Jesus Christ.
Jesus is an incredible example though of how to love others well. He doesn't tell them what they want to hear, he says what is true and what they need to know. Jesus was not a people pleaser. He would never flatter or manipulate. He went up to a mountain to pray and be refreshed and didn't feel the need to apologize for it.
I could go on with examples, but one wants to be cautious with referring to the Son of God as merely an example of how to Do Life well. He is much more than that! The Holy Spirit also helps us in our weakness and guides us into truth.
I could go on with examples, but one wants to be cautious with referring to the Son of God as merely an example of how to Do Life well. He is much more than that! The Holy Spirit also helps us in our weakness and guides us into truth.
Another source recently has been YouTube. It takes a good deal of time and patience to sort through the self-serving, victim-mentality videos, the click-bait, the people just trying to get an audience (so they say what you already think or want to hear).
However, there is some good help out there. Recently I found video series by clinical psychologist Dr. Abdul Saad, at www.vitalmind.com.au. He doesn't say what some empaths want to hear - that we are perfect, misunderstood, loving people, taken horrible advantage of.
No.
He thoughtfully and wisely lays out the facts.
Empaths have a temperament defined by a
1. Hyperactivated attachment system
2. Need to please
3. Strong internal critic.
1. Hyperactivated attachment system
2. Need to please
3. Strong internal critic.
Empaths also have a type of pride that gets them in trouble. Says Dr. Saad.
What?! Pride?? No one wants to hear that word. However, it is true. HE'S RIGHT!
Empaths can become Proud Helpers.
The ability to sense and understand, take on even, the pain and feelings of others does not mean we are the best ones to help. We don't know everything. Our over-helping tends to meet up with those people who are characterized by Over-Taking. We try and try to help, and often end up with a painful mess, and it is partly the empath's fault. My fault. Like a Shakespearean flaw, the hero becomes the anti-hero, unaware that they have brought in a type of virus that can break down their reality and relationships and cause pain to everyone they care about.
The ability to sense and understand, take on even, the pain and feelings of others does not mean we are the best ones to help. We don't know everything. Our over-helping tends to meet up with those people who are characterized by Over-Taking. We try and try to help, and often end up with a painful mess, and it is partly the empath's fault. My fault. Like a Shakespearean flaw, the hero becomes the anti-hero, unaware that they have brought in a type of virus that can break down their reality and relationships and cause pain to everyone they care about.
I will link a short video on the Anatomy of an Empath. Really good stuff.
https://youtu.be/rb5e0LC7YkA
Just Getting Started
There is a ton more to unpack here, and this is just an introduction to what I am discovering. So if I stay brave enough (and maybe if it stays a zillion degrees of frozen so I have time to write - haha) this should be the first part in a series.
The reason this topic is so important to me is that the devil will use any cracks in our armor to get to us and to get to our children. The unhealed, broken areas of our lives are open invitations to bring chaos and discord to the most precious ones in our lives. By learning to heal my flaws and areas of weakness, I can shore up those essential defenses, and also find more peace and wholeness in my own life.
Praise the Lord for his help and goodness toward me.
Praise the Lord for his help and goodness toward me.
Thanks for reading!
Pam
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thanks for commenting!
Please copy your comment before sharing, as often comments get lost if you aren't signed in with a Google account. If you have trouble, sign in with your Google account, or email me at pdgraham074@gmail.com with your comment!