This morning I finally picked up my Bible for the first time in a long time.
No, it wasn't because I was feeling extra spiritual, and no, it was definitely not because my husband is planning to go to Bible school in the fall and I better get my act together.
It was simply that I was waiting for something to load on the computer, and I thought, "Well, it's as good a time as any." I think I was trying to answer the subconscious conviction in my heart, because I know without the water of the Word the life dries up and all things wither. But it has been a slow process of dawning obedience and I can't say I will pick up my Bible tomorrow, though sincerely I hope I do.
So I read Isaiah 45, on this the closing day of the sale of our home of 8 years (still waiting for confirmation on said sale). Here are a few treasures...
"I am the Lord and there is no other; apart from me there is no God. I will strengthen you, though you have not acknowledged me, so that from the rising of the sun to the place of it's setting men may know there is none besides me. I am the Lord and there is no other."
AWESOME. How many 'others' have I tried to follow and find God in....
'I will strengthen you.....though you have not acknowledged me...'
Yes, and yes. The staggering thing is the faithfulness he has in the face of our disdain, our misunderstanding, our godlessness.
When the equations of life are not to our liking, we take the God part out. So be it, if all we have now is the Question, the Unsolvable Equation; at least we are free of the God Problem.
I don't agree with many other Christians. Christians are dumb.
Take the God-part out.
I find church annoying and limiting and judgemental.
Take the God-part out.
I think the world and society have some good points that I can't reconcile with faith.
Just, take out the God-part.
These questions I have are too big. I need answers and I can't find them.
Take out the GOD PART ALREADY.
One thing I know, as people, we have a very high opinion of our own ideas and intellect. And now with information streaming high-speed over the internet we are even smarter. So smart, that all the ridiculous answers that we've been given by God are just - laughable. Infected, pus-oozing with our own pride, we have become so sick we are immune to the cure.
It's very lonely outside of the friendship of God.
With it, peace.
Am I still wrestling with several unsolvable questions?"They will say of me, 'In the Lord alone are righteousness and strength.'"
Do I still feel angry over the injustices upon the earth?
Do I still think, "truly you are a God who hides himself..."? (vs 15)
However, I am sobered by the Words.
* * *"Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, What are you making? Does your work say, He has no hands?"
"I have not spoken in secret, from somewhere in a land of darkness; I have not said to Jacob's descendants, 'Seek me in vain."
The hand of God on your heart is heavy, and sweet. It comes as He wills, and not as I will. How we want to be in control of our own lives!! Master of our ships, commanders of destiny. The desire to surrender does not come from inside us, it comes from Outside and brings freedom with it. You see? Unsolvable equations.
Surrender = Freedom.
Life is in mind-blowing transition for me right now. The sun bathes the white-blossomed apple trees in front and back of the house, and I don't want to leave. The closet wall has the heights and ages of the kids etched in from the last 8 years. The road outside is the same one I walked as a girl, kicking stones, dancing alone under the sky, and considering how the baked-brown earth looked like chocolate. Through each new window is a beautiful, large tree that shelters and strengthens at the same time. On the grass the dog lies soaked in sunlight on the same spot where we first played with her as a puppy...and I don't want to leave. It's hard right now, but don't feel sorry for me, don't be swept away by my tide of sentimentality; it's all working out my trust. The trust is a little shaky. Each step forward takes a lot of courage. This is the inside of my life right now, looking out.
I hope to update more often.
If conditions are removed today, our house sold in 5 days.
This week we go again to Three Hills to look for a place to live.
In the meantime, everyday life still happens, and the weight of everything that needs to be done is actually crushing, all the responsibilities needing to be shouldered.
And so I'm really thankful for this time I took to write my thoughts out. It should serve as a record and a reminder for the future, the future that right now stretches out like shimmering mirage-like waves that rise off the burning highway, unclear.
Grateful for the friendship of God today. He is huge, and he will be my shelter and strength; I pray it is so.