Thursday, October 29, 2015

10 Reasons Halloween is the Worst Holiday Ever

Ok, if you already feel offended by the title...stop reading now. While you still like me and think I'm a good person. 

And the first reason to despise Halloween goes to.....

1) Expensive Candy!!! People who can't afford to buy their kids a lunch for school are spending $50 on a few boxes of miniscule chocolate bars. And by people, I mean me.

2) Girls Flooze-fest. 
Best excuse to look like a $2 hooker ever?? Halloween!! "Whatev. It's my costume! I'm in character!!" Yep, that you are sweet pea.  

3) Stranger Danger.
For 364 days of the year: Never take candy from strangers! 
On October 31: Tonight, in the dark, take all the candy from all the strangers!! 
Makes sense, right? 

4) Church Celebrations.
Not that they are all bad, I've participated in a few over the years. But a part of me was thinking, "Why are we trying to whitewash this? If something's wrong with it, don't do it. If not, go out in your community and participate. 
Otherwise the message to kids is really messed up.  "Hey kids! Halloween is evil and of the devil. BUT you're in luck!! Because this celebration that has the exact same components of dressing up and eating candy BUT is at the church...will blow your mind! And best of all, you never have to interact with someone who doesn't believe the same things you do!!!"

5) Calories. Excessive access to excess. 

6) Darned If You Do...
If you want to go out to dinner or a movie, or anywhere at all, and your windows are dark and candy-less, everyone will hate you. Kids might egg your house and call you a cheap spoilsport and maybe some other names. 
However, if you stay home and dutifully hand out candy, you my friend, are a prisoner. Think Will Smith in I Am Legend, blowing things up to keep zombies off his walls. You'll be desperately calling in favours from friends if you run out of candy, so stock up. It's like the night of December 31, 1999 and you're out looking for a generator, a flashlight, and a can of beans. Good luck. 

7) Headless Monsters!!
Say you live 15 miles out in the country, with small children, and no indicators of celebration whatsoever, a grown man will come to your house in a headless gore costume, lurch through your living room, scare the crap out of your wide-eyed littles, and take all the candy you were hoping to eat in peace after the kids were in bed. 
True story, bro. 

8) The "Decorations".
 So any other day of the year, a skull, headstone, and coffin on your lawn is pretty much a faux pas. But on October 31, it's simply Good Fun!!
(Didn't mean to rhyme there, actually..) "Woohoo!! DEATH and all his friends...I think I'll make a shrine to them in my front yard!!"

9) Driving is Hazardous.
 What if you have to drive somewhere?! It happens! And the streets and sidewalks are rabid with small zombies and princesses, darting in and out of alleys, wearing masks (so they can't see) and black costumes (so you can't see). Worst part is if you do run over one of the little beggars people will just assume it's part of someone's over-zealous lawn decor! 

10) 50% Off Candy ...the Next Day
The 10th and final reason why I'm a Halloween grinch is because on Oct 30 the populace is busy handing over their arms and legs for candy and costumes.... And then, "magically" on November 1st the candy is half-price. And the costumes you couldn't afford are now completely affordable.  When I get my time machine, I will set it to November 10th, buy everything cheap-like-borscht, and then scoot back to October 31 and gleefully lay out scads of candy. I'll be the hero of the block. 

Also spiders. Ugh! Big black ones crawling up people's front steps, bouncing giddily from preschool ceilings, and suspended over grocery checkout counters.
Why is this a thing?!

Alas, I'm out of numbers. And there is apparently a holy, unwritten law about going past 10 on a list, so we're done.

And rest easy, I've decided to stay home this year and fit in to polite society, dutifully lobbing Skittle-sized chocolate bars into your kids pillowcases or their $10 orange plastic jack-o-lanterns.
Now, if I hand out toothbrushes and little things of dental floss instead, does that make me a bad person?
Or how about IOU's for a handful of candy on November 2nd? .......Not polite hey. Well alright then. 

By the way, if you have any items to add to the list, either serious or facetious, please feel free to leave a comment. Or if you think I'm out to lunch. Let me know! No problem. 


1 comment:

  1. Absolutely! And, as you might have heard, I think it gets in the way of Reformation Day, the celebration of the start or the Protestant Reformation. So, I like this!


Thanks for commenting. If you have trouble, sign in with your Google account, or email me at