Freedom!!

"FREEDOMMMM!!!" cries William Wallace and his army of Scotsmen in Braveheart, defending their land and their lives.

I find the blood and sword-clashing mayhem in the movie hard to watch, but I resonate with its theme. In my life to this date, I would say freedom has been the strongest desire of my soul. From long solitary walks across field and woods as a child, to my love of airplanes as a teen, to the pull of the open road today, I want to be free. The tie-downs of modern society wear me out, maybe more than most.
Part of my struggle with teaching has been the rigidity, the insistence, the bells and the deadlines and the slavish consistency that goes into making the whole thing work. Some may think we do better in the idealistic conditions of measured hours, measured assignments, measured paces along clean floors, but I beg to differ. It does work, but it's a soul-killing business. At least for me. How do we train free, independent, deep-thinking young men and women by making them ask to use the bathroom all day long? And we wonder why they don't know their own minds when they get out of high school? Hmmm. I wonder why we all want to live in little boxes in little mazes with bells and line-ups for the rest of our miserable lives. Lab rats, all!

Ok I admit that is a bit extreme. My personal views on schooling are skewed a bit left of center, that's the truth. Let's leave this particular soapbox for now.

"You cannot parcel out freedom in pieces because freedom is all or nothing." -Tertullian 

"Freedom is the oxygen of the soul." - Moshe Dayan

I love to see a motorcycle at the gas station. The heady smell of leather and exhaust makes my head spin. Though I don't ride, the image of a motorcycle heading down the highway is one of freedom. A child in a field of flowers, like Heidi with the goats in the mountains, is freedom. A jet leaving a high ribbon of white against the blue is freedom. Horses running, powerful and beautiful - free.

What images evoke the word 'free' for you?

     .......camping in the wilderness
     .......mountains
     .......travel far away
     .......a cup of coffee alone with a book in a quiet café
     .......the call of a loon across the lake


I believe all people desire freedom. For some it is just a quiet house and room to breathe, for others it's a chance to do what they love. What binds us?
Necessity, and need.
Fear.
Expectation.
Things we own, that own us.

"Freedom lies in being bold." - Robert Frost

Music makes people feel free; it is a freedom in the mind. The same task that would be done as drudgery can be accomplished with spirit and ingenuity to the beat of a favorite song. Saying what we think is a type of freedom which we generally deny ourselves as we get older. We become wise, we say, but in reality the price exacted for speaking we are no longer willing to pay. Wisdom is born of experience and is more often cynicism's child than insight's.
What I'm saying is we call ourselves wise when we are really just careful - careful not to expose ourselves to any blame or hurt. Self-preservation at the expense of everything else.

I am trying to be more bold, like I was in younger days. The straining toward freedom cannot be fully realized here, on earth, though we can live with more boldness and passion.

"The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask." - Jim Morrison

Oh Jim Morrison I wish you were alive, and we could talk! You said it well. What I know of your life, however, is a travesty of freedom taken too far. Your wild and insatiable appetite for it made rock legend. To die at age 27 from drug and alcohol abuse...this is not freedom.

"Seek freedom and become captive of your desires. Seek discipline and find your liberty." - Frank Herbert

I think you're on to something there, Frank, though your name I do not know.
Those who express themselves with reckless abandon burn themselves out like comets or meteors entering the atmosphere of earth. A bright and searing light, then emptiness. And so freedom has its dangerous edge. But I still long for it.

If you see a woman with a face painted blue shouting "freedoomm!!" in the grocery store parking lot, that's me, and I've gone too far.

"Freedom is the only law which genius knows."                        - James Russell Lowell

 

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Starting over new

This year is different. In good ways. Not teaching, trying to find time to do things that are important, I feel like I have escaped, like a P.O.W. out of the camp called Tyranny of the Urgent!
 Not to draw any real comparison with a concentration camp as that would be...well, terrible and foolish at best, but the"WORK MAKES FREE"
 on the gate is pretty close. It seems the words are branded on my psyche, because though I've left and headed in the other direction, I see them in front of my vision always...I still catalogue my day by all the things accomplished. Even things that don't matter one whit.  However.... if you sat me down and asked me, I would say that accomplishing STUFF isn't important. People are important.  Family is important. Watching the stars come out of a midnight-blue sky is important (if not essential), right up there with rose-smelling and baking cookies for the fun of it.
 So where is the disconnect? What's my problem?    Honestly -- when I figure it out I'll tell. What I DO know is that even though lots of life things, busy things, have come up to take my time away, I feel so much different.
                                 Not so panicked, not wishing everyone would go far away and leave me alone, not like the funky card I saw the other day on the card rack with the silver glitter writing and pink heart on a blue background that boldly swirled, "I hate everyone but YOU" ...but that's funny you have to admit...

Writing is great. I think of ideas all the time and never get them down. How very inefficient  of me!!One idea is writing devotions, based on scripture I've been reading. As a high school teacher responsible to do devotions and pray with students every morning I found that there is not much out there. A virtual desert. Too many feel-good, one-verse-taken-out-of-context, moralizing devotions and not much that really helps a person meet with God, which is kinda the POINT. So, on the advice of someone I have respect for, I'm going to post the devotions for people to read and comment on, and if any readers (which I am quite aware at this point there really aren't any, ha ha, better work on that) have ideas or criticisms, witticisms, comments, and so on, then that could be very helpful. And so. I will now attach one.

Morning Devotions

 

READ Acts 1:1-8

What is the last thing you would do before going away on a long trip? Perhaps you’ve been on a missions trip, or traveled far from home, or been a camp counsellor for the summer.  Or maybe you’re dying to take a trip away from home and you can imagine it in your mind’s eye… What would you say or do just before leaving? Not a quick “Bye, Mom!” as you rush out the door for school; rather, a hug, an “I love you and I’m gonna miss you like crazy, and please don’t forget to feed my fish, and PLEASE don’t let my little sister play in my room! And I promise I’ll let you know as soon as I arrive, yes, and I love you mom, you’re the best mom in the world and don’t you forget it”. Okay, perhaps I’m fantasizing a little as a mom here, but you get it. Luke writes about Jesus being taken up to Heaven, leaving earth for a good long while. 

In my former book, Theophilus, I wrote about all that Jesus began to do and to teach until the day he was taken up to heaven, after giving instructions through the Holy Spirit to the apostles he had chosen.”

The last thing Jesus did before leaving was give the disciples important instructions THROUGH THE HOLY SPIRIT! Did you catch that? The Holy Spirit was going to be with them! He was the new instruction giver.  Just a little while before, while they were sitting around a table eating, Jesus had given them a last command, “Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about.” What is this essential command about? Yep, the Holy Spirit. He is the promised gift. And what better gift could there be? A bit like if your dad was going away on a month long business trip, and as he’s leaving he hands you a portable screen and says, “Here, look at this. I will have a camera on me the whole time, linked to this screen. If you want to know what I am doing or what I’m thinking at any time, just look at this screen and I will be there, in real time, and we can talk.” Well!! It would almost be like he was still there with you! 

 Just before Jesus was taken up into the air in front of them, those bewildered and blinking disciples, he said, “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you”.  So don’t worry, don’t panic, God is still here. God the Holy Spirit is with you, you are not alone. Over and over Jesus reminds them. He could tell what they were thinking. He knew their hearts as he knows your heart today.

Are you feeling overwhelmed and alone? The Holy Spirit is with you. Do you not know what to do next? The Holy Spirit will instruct you. Are you feeling weak in your faith? You will receive power from the Holy Spirit. This was a significant moment for the disciples, seeing their beloved Saviour and friend leave. What did He say as He left them? The Holy Spirit is coming. He is with you. Just as he is with his disciples today. Here and now, today, listen to the Spirit. Get your instructions from Him. Know the power of his presence to give you the boldness to do all he is asking you to do.

 

Pray. Come Holy Spirit, God with us, lead and guide us in this hour and this day.  May we not feel alone or discouraged, but know that You are with us and You are all we need. Let your presence fill us and empower us with strength and courage to go on, to do the will of God and live for Him, until the day Jesus comes again. Amen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow, October 29. I have been a wee bit busy. Plus, I completely forgot about this blog which matters not one whit, as I have no followers. "Follow me, up and down, all the way and all around/take my hand and say you'll follow me." John Denver is a narcissist! He sings about himself way too much. Me, myself, I, I, I. It's actually funny if you think about that and then listen to one of his cd's. Love him, though. Maye I'll become a narcissist when I grow up.

I've been desperately tired since early this morning and put in a very long day, so I really shouldn't be saying a thing. I should be in bed, snuggled up, trying to mentally block out the snores of my husband (whom I love). But in all seriousness, if he brought home a handful of earplugs I would be more ecstatic than with an armful of roses. I'll take either, really.

Next time, something profound I promise.

I still feel the same way as October 29. More resigned though, not fighting it so much. It's an amazing job, really. I feel privileged and scared to share with these people, these beautiful precious young students. May I not mess them up! May I not say anything I will regret.

"Words should be wild, as they are the assault of thoughts on the unthinking." John Maynard Keynes

Teaching is Hard

The obvious statement. Every teacher knows it. Even students know it, somewhere in the back of their minds, in a barely conscious place. 
No really, teaching is harder for some people than others. 

I, for example, imagine myself a tightrope walker, and the tension is hard to keep up. Feigned relaxation may be the most stressful thing known to man, other than waiting in line at the grocery store when you loaded 10 too many things in your basket and your kids are running wild, or being pulled over for speeding when you were taking the closest exit to a gas station washroom ....polite, polite, polite.

At school I love the students. There are little things that drive me crazy, yes. Like stop yapping and get some bloody work done.

 The tightrope I walk is that I naturally resist the carefulness, the checking, the necessity of homework, the pursed lips and the near-sighted perusing of notes and assignments, discussing meter in poetry (gag) and gee, it basically sounds like I resent curriculum and want to do whatever I want. 

Yeah....

Well, that's not terribly far off the truth! But I DO the curriculum, and just make sure what we study and how we study it is as interesting as possible. 

The tightrope is wanting to laugh uproariously and tell idiotic jokes, wanting to break into dance or song or a rant, and being held oh-so-fragile above the circus crowd by needing to be a good teacher, by caring enough for the students and my job to educate them properly and professionally. 
But OH!! Sometimes my mask slips. 
 I thought I saw a . . . what is that? Glitter? A microphone, that frantic beat? Quick, shut it down. Do the job.

"May I have your attention, I am writing valuable things here on the whiteboard, can't you see how hard I am trying, don't you want to know??'
Perhaps I cannot do this over the long haul. How long can one perform these feats? What is the average shelf life of a secretly crazy teacher? 

There is a strong possibility that other teachers feel the same way. Do you ever long to hug a student and say, hey, throw that blasted essay away. I'm sorry I just explored that great story/novel/poem/film with you and then sucked away all trace of joy or the thrill of discovery by making you write a focused, concise, well-supported essay of 500 words. Due Friday. There will be a 2.5% late penalty for every day late, up to a maximum of . . .. . . . . . . . . . 

 Does this circus use nets? Because I sense a free-fall coming on.