Poem for Growing 2019

For Poetry's Sake

These Violent Delights

She will drop madness from a pen. 

And from this loss, these ashes,

Softly springs

A twining vine - a growing thing

Green above the deadened mulch of soil

In Care's dim glow, unsolved

And falling slow

A gardener she becomes

Bent low and coaxing daily from illusion

Realities to glitter sharply in fresh suns

"Death be not proud."  You -

were not bright, but sudden gone,

Though bitter tastes the air behind your wake.

The mourner's song floats low among the trees 

A brown leaf journeys to the ground. 

The great dream heavy lies

Crumbling visage of stone on sand - 

      god no more. And in his crown

A worm crawls 'round,

Feeding on the insane root unseen.

Discovering the Empath

Blog for the Empath 

Good day to you good people of earth!
It is -35 with a wind chill of -1000 out there, and it's rough, but has been a gift to me today. The school where I teach is closed, and so here we go blogging.

In my life there has been a good deal of struggle, with most (if not all of it) being brought on by Me, Myself and I. For years I have sought to figure out why I do the things I do and who on earth I am, and have come across one road block after another... until I pretty much gave up that fight and dug in for a life of self-loathing and survival - grim smile and all.

In recent months I have begun to put a few pieces together.

Why Write About It?

It does seem that I process ideas better by writing about them. So perhaps in the writing there will be more revelation. And perhaps through putting some of my process out there, another person will benefit and have an "Aha!" moment in their own struggle. 

Who or what is an Empath?

I first heard this term from my daughter, who is rather well-educated in psychology, a year or two ago. It stuck with me. 

The Miriam-Webster Dictionary defines the term thus:

empath

 noun

em·​path | \ ˈem-ˌpath  \

Definition of empath

: one who experiences the emotions of others : a person who has empathy for others.

In clinical psychology the term has broader levels of meaning, as it defines (on a spectrum) a person who is"highly sensitive", and the term is helpful (as most labels are) in getting a basic idea of the personality of an individual, and is not meant to demean or categorize someone for life. 

So though I may identity with the traits of an empath, that does not mean I will always regard myself as such or make excuses, whine, cry, or otherwise play the victim under the banner of this term. It is simply a tool or guidepost for understanding. 

The following link has a more exhaustive exploration of the "top ten traits". 

10 Traits of an Empath

A few of the traits are that empaths absorb the emotions of others, are highly intuitive, need alone time, and often give too much. 

(I haven't read Judith Orloff's website other than this list... so take that as a disclaimer) 

https://drjudithorloff.com/top-10-traits-of-an-empath/ 

Why does it matter?

In my lifetime I have had several friendships (also relationships, but that is another whole animal) that I would say were...errrmm...toxic? Detrimental? One-sided? A source of disillusionment?

From childhood I tended to attract friends who enjoyed bossing me around. I would do whatever they wanted.  I felt somehow that it was my service to humanity to let them, as they seemed to have such a great need for it. I also had a few decent, healthy friendships in my youth, and began at last to have an ever-so-slight awareness of the difference.

Why did I keep attracting people who ended up taking over my life, or using me as pawns in some game I didn't know we were playing?

Let me tell you about one friendship as an example. 

About half-way through university I made a friend - let's call her Daisy. Daisy was quiet, mature, and seemed sad and troubled. The problem with making friends at college is you often don't know their family, history, or other friends, and so you take them at face value, which can be both good and bad.

Daisy seemed to like all the same things as I did - going to the pier and watching the ocean, going for coffee at cool places, having deep intellectual conversations. She didn't seem to have any other friends, but that never bothered me. I mean, weren't people mostly 'idiots and fakes' anyway...(another idea we agreed on heartily). 

As time went on, I sensed a possessive undercurrent when I was with Daisy, like she resented time I spent with other people. She would ask about everything else I was doing in my life, the who, what when and where. I thought it was her being polite and interested, but she was actually just learning about me and who else in my life she needed to worry about. Daisy told me about some of her terrible childhood and her current alienation from her family. She had good reason, as there had been abuse in her extended family. I was sympathetic and tried to be understanding and a caring friend, and she wanted to spend more and more time with me. 

It was slow and gradual, but I eventually noticed that I did not want to be around Daisy for very long. I felt exhausted somehow after hanging out with her. 

I had a lot going on in my own life, with school and a job and other stresses. There always seemed to be something wrong, like I wasn't doing enough or being enough. 

Eventually Daisy found ways to keep our friendship going. She asked me to help take care of her pet and once to take over house-sitting for her. When I pulled away, she began to have crisis after crisis. She was suicidal - she needed me to come and talk. I took her to the hospital on at least three occasions, but she never would stay. Everything always seemed to be fine once we arrived, though we would wait in emergency sometimes for hours. M|y heart truly broke for her, and I didn't really care that it was taking a toll on me, because I wanted to help. 

It was really hard for me to say 'No'. I couldn't do it, especially with someone who was so broken. I tried to link her with other friends and support groups, but that just made things worse, because now I didn't care and was trying to abandon her. 

I was eventually able to separate myself from the friendship by moving away. I realized that there couldn't really be "closure", and I would have to go on feeling like I had let her down, but I knew I needed to get away from the friendship. It was hurting me and didn't seem to be really helping her either.
(There is a lot more to the story; this is the watered-down, brief version.)

I'm telling this story because it is only one example of a pattern I have followed in relationships. People would tell me "You are the only one who 'gets me'". I felt flattered and important. 

They would tell me "I've never had more fun than when I'm with you." Again, wow. I'm fun and amazing and significant. 
"I don't know what I would do without your friendship." I felt needed and worthwhile. 

In the last 15 years or so I have been blessed with a few REAL, godly, wonderful friends, who I am truly grateful for. I have learned a little at least. 

However, there have been other life situations where I am still following old patterns, and reaping the whirlwind. This has been a deeply troubling realization. By looking at the actions and consequences of my past and examining the way I think, some truths have begun to emerge. 

Help from Several Sources

God's Word is the ultimate source of truth and revelation.
The Bible isn't meant to be a psychology textbook, however; it is the story of God's love and redemption for humanity through Jesus Christ. 

Jesus is an incredible example though of how to love others well. He doesn't tell them what they want to hear, he says what is true and what they need to know. Jesus was not a people pleaser. He would never flatter or manipulate. He went up to a mountain to pray and be refreshed and didn't feel the need to apologize for it.
I could go on with examples, but one wants to be cautious with referring to the Son of God as merely an example of how to Do Life well. He is much more than that! The Holy Spirit also helps us in our weakness and guides us into truth.  

Another source recently has been YouTube. It takes a good deal of time and patience to sort through the self-serving, victim-mentality videos, the click-bait, the people just trying to get an audience (so they say what you already think or want to hear).

However, there is some good help out there. Recently I found video series by clinical psychologist Dr. Abdul Saad, at www.vitalmind.com.au. He doesn't say what some empaths want to hear - that we are perfect, misunderstood, loving people, taken horrible advantage of.

No. 

He thoughtfully and wisely lays out the facts. 

Empaths have a temperament defined by a
1. Hyperactivated attachment system
2. Need to please
3. Strong internal critic.

Empaths also have a type of pride that gets them in trouble. Says Dr. Saad.

What?! Pride?? No one wants to hear that word. However, it is true. HE'S RIGHT!  

Empaths can become Proud Helpers.

The ability to sense and understand, take on even, the pain and feelings of others does not mean we are the best ones to help. We don't know everything. Our over-helping tends to meet up with those people who are characterized by Over-Taking. We try and try to help, and often end up with a painful mess, and it is partly the empath's fault. My fault. Like a Shakespearean flaw, the hero becomes the anti-hero, unaware that they have brought in a type of virus that can break down their reality and  relationships and cause pain to everyone they care about.

I will link a short video on the Anatomy of an Empath. Really good stuff.

 https://youtu.be/rb5e0LC7YkA

Just Getting Started

There is a ton more to unpack here, and this is just an introduction to what I am discovering. So if I stay brave enough (and maybe if it stays a zillion degrees of frozen so I have time to write - haha) this should be the first part in a series. 

The reason this topic is so important to me is that the devil will use any cracks in our armor to get to us and to get to our children. The unhealed, broken areas of our lives are open invitations to bring chaos and discord to the most precious ones in our lives. By learning to heal my flaws and areas of weakness, I can shore up those essential defenses, and also find more peace and wholeness in my own life.
Praise the Lord for his help and goodness toward me. 

Thanks for reading! 

Pam

Thoughts for the New Year

A Strange Place

For 2019 I want to try creating something every day. 

Creating is life-giving to me, but in recent years I have left it far behind. Reverting to survival mode is not working very well, as it seems the longer one spends there, the less appealing survival can become. 

Writing used to fill a creative void - shared and private. I am hoping every day to write, to create, to sing, to play, and fill my life with color again. 

The strange place I am in is one of discovery. At the same time as I am discovering hard truths and painful times, I am also giving room to more tenderness, patience, and gentleness. Life is fraught with disappointment; could it bring more healing to embrace these things open-armed, rather than beating them back? 

Opening the door, so to speak, to struggle, and rather than bracing for cold winds, leaning into whatever direction they fly.  

Sadness of Change

One major change this year has been my daughter essentially leaving home, moving away and going to college. 

Now I know countless parents experience such times, but it is me right now experiencing this one, this particular leaving. It hasn't even been all at once, and yet I understand now the tears I have seen on other mom's faces as they talk about their grown up children. 

Nothing can really prepare you for the empty chair, the quieter house, the sense that something is always missing. 

One day you are leaping up from a few hours of blissful sleep, rushing to the crib to see if they need to be fed, held, comforted...and what seems like the next day you wake with a start, remembering they are now sleeping miles away. I find it very hard to rest again.  I think I get less sleep now than even those early new baby days. 

It isn't so much a feeling sorry for myself, but more of an acknowledgement that hey, this is happening - it isn't great - but I'm getting through it. 

The change is like... when as a youngster I went outside to look for my special friend, our dog Teddy, and forgot that he was gone forever. 

Or like starting out to play with my best friend at recess, and remembering she had moved away. We've all felt something like that. 

Of course I am super happy for my daughter though, and she knows I pray for her and think of her every day. Hoping (of course) that she makes less mistakes than I did at her age (please God).

 Life moves forward - you have to jump on that train and move with it, however fast it seems to be racing. 

Adjust the Sails

I can't tell you how hopefully I jumped into last year.

It was similar to now. Recovering from a bad flu, Christmas break spent mostly coughing and in bed with a fever (really have to do something different next Christmas), but life seemed to be full of possibility - God was good - hold on to hope. 

Have you ever thrown yourself into something with every fiber of your being, and watched it crumble in front of your eyes?

Just when I think I have learned all there is about a difficult life lesson, Lo and Behold, Nope. 

I had barely scratched the surface of all I didn't know. 

I think I ran ahead of God this year. 

I was Elijah, running before the rain to the entrance of Jezreel, the hand of God upon me. Perhaps not quite as holy or dramatic (not even close, but you get my drift) however, I did feel God was with me. Cool things were happening - it was like a heavy rain after a long drought. I couldn't stop running with it. 

Pretty much the next day after his victory over the prophets of Baal, after the great rain and run, Elijah "arose, and ran for his life..." He "went a days journey into the wilderness and came and sat down under a broom tree. And he asked that he might die, saying, 'It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers." (1 Kings 19)

So that is about where I find myself now. Sitting under a figurative broom tree, feeling like a hopeless mess, like I've made a mess out of everything, and all I can do is hide out and wait for the inevitable disaster to fall. 

An angel came twice to Elijah to give him food. The second time the angel said, "Arise and eat, for the journey is too great for you." 

What a lovely and kind gesture. 

Maybe if I wait, some kindness and understanding will come to me, too. 

"And he arose and ate and drank, and went in the strength of that food forty days and forty nights to Horeb, the mount of God" (v.8). Elijah learned that though he could not depend on others, he sure could rely on God. 

Though he was exhausted and discouraged, and it looked like all of his effort had come to nothing, God made a way to bring him back to life and strength. 

When the wind blows hard from unexpected directions, the boat seems like it could sink.                                        

It will be alright though; it's only time to adjust the sails. 

A Good Atheist - Part II

In the previous blog I tried to explain why I could have made a solid atheist, and a few thoughts on why that didn't happen.

And so here we are to explore further. What avenue to walk down?
Morality? Conscience?
I'm thinking it may be useful to consider the journey of many like me, around the same age and of a similar background, and a path that has often led to a staunchly atheistic view.

A- (Greek "without") + Theos ("God").

    Without God. God-less. No God, nor even god. For many it has been the inevitable conclusion, having looked for God, waited for Him, pursued him quite possibly, and found nothing, heard nothing. So, Nothing it must be.

For others the conclusion is born of hating the very idea of God. There cannot, there MUST not be a God, and if there is he is a hideous creature. Looking at the world, the pain and deformity of it, bespeaks a madman of a creator, a being so high and thoughtless of the sensitivities of human and animal kind as to be monstrous and unworthy of knowing. This idea has a large following.

For some, the conclusion of Without God has spawned from both of these angles, and also one Other Thing. If I am a creature of desires, with the guts and glory to satisfy said desires, then by all means - I should! Simply put, God made me this way. If he did, why then should he expect me to behave exactly opposite of how I am wired? And if he did not make me, then it doesn't matter in the slightest as long as I do no harm (doing no harm being much, much easier said than done, which is a topic for another time).

And so God is taken out of all equations (except where blame for wars and various religious horrors must be laid). This is the state wherein it becomes easy to mock and laugh at God and/or those who believe in him. It is a type of mental exercise, a killing of all divine ideas in a sort of constant, pseudo-intellectual way, and it makes life a good deal easier and a great deal more fun, it seems, to boot.

        (I say pseudo-intellectual because a true intellectual analysis of life and humanity, the world and the Bible, memory, anthropology, biology, chemistry, space and time, soul and body, spirit and emotion, etcetera, points relentlessly to God as a compass to North.
Don't believe me? Try it.
Try it as objectively as possible, just study everything, and see where it leads!)

Many friends, classmates, colleagues and strangers of my generation, Gen X, have laughingly thrown off the shackles of god and church once and for all. For these  people I have a great deal of hope and an equal measure of empathy.

Growing up in the local evangelical church can unfortunately be a perfect inoculation against the "God-virus", as you will. Just enough Christianity to know what it's about, but not enough for true salvation.  A child-like faith and a tender heart will inevitably be crushed, somewhere along the line, by the boots of legalism, hypocrisy, or emotional pain.
Kids and teens were taught to accept God's word, but never to wrestle with it.
For example, I was taught that God is good. Daniel prayed, and God shut the lions mouths. Amazing! Truly a teachable moment. 'Let us pray that God delivers us too, from all of our fears.' Few Sunday school teachers, however, will ask what it would mean if Daniel prayed and then was horribly and immediately devoured by the lions.
Do we not think the Christian martyrs thrown into the Roman colliseum were praying God would shut the lions' mouths? And then he didn't, and still they praised. They were burned at stakes, and still sang and worshipped. Not to tarnish the testimony of the saints, but they must all have been insane.
Either every one insane... or they knew something the soldiers and other prisoners and the rulers did not know. Their confidence and hope, so far removed from their own flesh, cried out that death is not the worst thing to be feared. Our culture today fears and shuns death most of all, but the martyrs knew that death was only a passageway to being always with the One their soul loved. Having known HIM, there was no other. Having tasted true life, there was no other life apart.

"Jesus answered, 'Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.'"        John 4:13-14 

     So, what then? Could it be that God makes decisions not based on human wisdom, will or emotions, but only on what he himself deems best? Ah. There's the rub for many of my generation, and every generation. Especially those raised in church and other Christian institutions.
Our parents generation went through the wild and wooly 60's, the freedom 70's, and while raising us were shocked by the excess of the 80's. There was an element of control that was needed, many leaders thought. Control the content, the response, the environment, and the end product will behave properly and be properly saved. Now I think each generation has a hang-up, and most of these are sub-concious and unintentional.
Gen X'ers were taught that if you did such and such, followed the rules, then life would be good. For Christian kids, it was "stay away from this bad stuff, and do these good things, and God will make sure you are happy." So we avoided eyeliner, messing around with boys, and MTV.
We followed the rules.
But the formula did not work.
We remained empty. Lonely. Disillusioned. Frustrated. Little by little the masks slipped. For some, it was still in high school the disillusionment set in. For others, it was in university, when the big questions finally were asked. Or at community college or a job, when we realized the "bad" non-christians were often more caring, decent, REAL individuals than our judge-y Christian friends.

For some it may have been standing at a pile of dirty dishes, kids sleeping finally, and they realize their husband or wife is out much too late. Is this what being a good Christian has got me? Betrayal and heartache? I am done with God. He doesn't care anyway.

For some it may have been serving in church for decades, no joy in Christ, no acknowledgment, and one day they simply walk away.
Maybe a tragedy. Depression. Witnessing incredible poverty or abuse. There cannot be a God.
If there is a God, he is cruel and unjust. I want to be alone to put my life together the best way I can.

The common thread here is that GOD DID NOT MEET OUR EXPECTATIONS. And so we either looked for a more comfortable, nicer, tamer sort of god, made in our own image.....or rejected the whole concept entirely.

This is not what I signed up for.
I have rights.
God has let me down.

Nirvana rocked lyrics that deliberately lacked meaning, mocking the whole world and its tiresome systems. We let our hair down and yelled and sang along.

Bullet With Butterfly Wings

       - The Smashing Pumpkins

The world is a vampire, sent to drainSecret destroyers, hold you up to the flamesAnd what do I get, for my pain?

Betrayed desires, and a piece of the game
Even though I know--I suppose I'll show
All my cool and cold-like old Job 

Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage
Then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage (...)

Many Gen X'ers, Christians included, feel like trapped rats, going through the maze in a cage. Church, which is meant to be a place of connection and healing, a place to be in God's presence together and help each other, often sadly has little of either going on. People with less time and more stress these days tend to reject duty that has no apparent purpose or meaning. There has been a mass exodus away from organized "Christian systems": programs, meetings, church services. People end up meeting in other places, sharing different types of communion, where at least they feel a sense of understanding and friendship.

So it becomes easier to forget about God. And then in the rush and ease of doing what we want to do, remembering him becomes highly inconvenient.
The trouble with God is that he is GOD; he is not us, nor an extension of us.
He tends to make up his own mind.
We miss what he is doing because we are looking at something in our imagination, and think that it is God.

Why do I hold on to belief and friendship with God in the face of all this apparent hopelessness?
Well, the answer is simple. Because He is real. He holds on to me.
Time after time he shows me he is working.
Time after time he has made something beautiful out of my ashes and despair and mistakes.
The whole energy of the world, our flesh, and the Devil works to throw up walls and clouds of doubt and self-pity, and yet still the sun burns through the clouds and I feel the warmth of God's unconditional love and care for me. Then it overflows, and I feel how much he loves you, too.
Winter comes, and clouds, and cold, and yet I know the sun is there sustaining all of life. (At the moment I am writing while seated on a fallen log out in the snowy forest, sun far from sight. Yes, I am cold!)

Reach out to Him; God may not be precisely what you wished for, but He never disappoints. He will show you answers in his own time.
He is more real than the most truthful conversation you have ever had.
He is more loving than the best friend could be.
He loves to heal and restore and make things new again.
He is holy and yet he has made the most humble path of salvation for us to walk toward Him.

Don't waste time looking for a god that feels better but has nothing to give you.

I don't know why God doesn't answer my questions right when I think of them.
I don't know why he has often left me in the dark, not sure of what is ahead.
The thing is, it doesn't really matter, because I trust him.
We walk together; we are friends.
It is amazing but true; the God of the universe has become my most constant companion - and there is plenty of room for you, too.

Why I Would Be a Good Atheist

It is too bad, in a twisted way, because I would have made a good atheist. 

When I was a kid, I asked God a lot of questions, and when I wasn't sure God was listening, I directed my questions to the trees and to the open sky. A big question, and I'm not really sure why, 
was, "I didn't ask to be born, so why do I owe the universe, or other people, or God - anything??" I was genuinely puzzled, feeling a bit like a rat that has been dropped into a maze, expected to run here and there and try hard, find the meaning of life, whatever. 
What was the point?

I became fairly depressed at a young age, I think. I recall underlining verses in the Psalms at about age 9 or 10, verses like, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish?" (22:1) and thinking YES! David gets it. THIS I can relate to. (I didn't realize the prophetic or Messianic meaning of the passage at the time, so can we leave that for now...thanks.)

As a younger child I trusted God completely, walking on the forest paths with my hand stretched up, literally feeling like I walked hand in hand with Him. He saw and appreciated the beautiful things I saw. He was real, and He loved me. He loved my neighbors that didn't know Him yet. He loved my grumpy bus driver. He loved my little brother. 
I'm not sure when the tough questions started, but I had many opportunities to consider them. I went to a Christian school, Sunday school, church, evening service, you name it. I heard all the Bible stories. I could tell you all the Bible stories, and their meanings too. Somewhere in there, I started asking:

If God could create all of life, why did some things die so fast, and others last longer than they wanted to?
If God knew Adam and Eve would sin, why did He bother with all the charade of warning them?
If God could do anything, how could He watch Cain kill his brother Abel in cold blood?
If God made the unshakable rules of the world, why did He have to send Jesus to die for all sin - couldn't there have been another way?? Something less painful, something less....bloody.
If following Jesus Christ is the only way to Heaven, shouldn't God have made it more obvious?
What about people who never got a chance to hear?
What about my baby sister who didn't live very long? My grandma who made it pretty clear she wanted nothing to do with God at all? 

And on and on. 
If the chapel speakers and pastors had known what was going through my brain...! I wished the questions would go away. I wanted to be whole, trusting, a believer, not a doubter. It seemed shaky ground. 

Around age 11 I had an experience when I was praying where I felt an amazing sense of peace. God was right there with me, and I felt His great presence and knew that He understood my questions and that it was ok to ask them.  I wanted to be baptized and show everyone that I was serious about following God and that there was no turning back for me. I was baptized soon after, and though I still felt the shaky ground, I also knew beyond a shadow of doubt that God existed, and if He existed, then He had to be who He said He was. If was who He said He was, then He would either answer my questions - or show me why they didn't matter. 

 As an older teen the big questions came back. I was lonely and misunderstood, like many teenagers. I felt like I was trying so hard, doing all the right things, but it didn't seem to matter. Nothing was good enough. Sin was still there; loneliness was still there, pain and questions remained. I kept up the Christian life, but underneath I was wondering, "Who is this "GOD" who expects me to know Him when He doesn't show himself?"

 Then there was Bible college. It wasn't very hard, because I knew everything. Or I thought I did. The course on minor prophets was fascinating, however. I read, and thought, realizing that these more obscure books had so many layers of meaning and so many treasures of truth and light. 

And the Book of JOB! I noticed that many people in the Bible had similar questions to mine. And God had an answer for each one of them that met their real need, which was interesting. He doesn't answer any questioner in the same way. He was gracious to one, He whispered to another. He thundered. He wrestled. He laughed...He argued...He put one or two in their place. But always different, as if He actually knew the person. And God challenged people! He gave Moses, Jacob, Job and others the privilege and the dignity of an actual discussion. He showed up.
  

In all the hubbub of modern life, there are many who think they know whether God does or does not exist, but few who will look into it beyond the latest meme or what a friend or professor said that seemed to make perfect sense. And so we make up our minds one way or the other, without looking very far ahead. Because one thing is certain; He either exists or he doesn't. And if He does exist, then everything He says about Himself and about us, is true too. If He doesn't exist, then there really is no purpose in any religion. If God is not there, religion is merely giving people a "program" of sorts, something to cling to when they don't feel safe.

I have realized I am one of those people Paul talks about in Romans 9:19:

"One of you will say to me, “Then why does God still blame us? Who can oppose what he wants to do?” But you are a mere human being. So who are you to talk back to God? Scripture says, “Can what is made say to the one who made it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’ " 

When he wrote, "One of you will say...", he was thinking about me. Maybe about you, too.

I was so happy to read this verse and feel like I wasn't alone. Is it something to be proud of?

I suppose in the way of respecting that my mind wants to know.

Do we honestly think God is hoping we will go through life smiling, unthinking, like some sort of brainwashed cult followers? 
Read the Bible for a few minutes and it becomes obvious that is not the case.
So how did I get to today, where I understand the questions but no longer have to ask them (much) for myself? It has been an uphill journey. I will have to write more about that later. 
Suffice it to say that the reward of traveling ever uphill is a wider, farther perspective. I can see things from here that I couldn't before. I have made it further than I ever dreamed I would, and the view is pretty fantastic.

There is a lot more to say on this subject, but I have grown weary of writing and am at risk of becoming a bore. Perhaps I would have made a fine atheist. I am unbelievably grateful though, that I have gone quite the other direction.

 
 

What I've Lost by Being Too Busy

Now there's nothing special about my personal brand of busy-ness. Many people I know have their days over-stuffed like a closet in a kid's room - bits and pieces sticking out, not sure what's actually in there anymore, and hard to close every night. 

What I want to share is my experience of being busy, and what it has stolen from me, this year alone.

You must first know that when I am presented with an uninterrupted stretch of time, I feel a bit deliriously happy for a few seconds, until the guilt and panic descend. I go through a frantic list in my head of the places I'm possibly supposed to be - school event? Lesson? Driving one of the kids to something? Meeting? At NASA or the UN solving an insurmountable problem? 

Once the heart rate slows, the guilt takes over. If I was a proper human being, if I had any sort of drive or ambition at all, I would be using every bit of time to improve the world. If I have a rare morning to sleep in I count the calories I would have burned if I got up earlier and did a workout. It's very hard to watch a movie without writhing in self-loathing and has become impossible to sit down and enjoy a book. I just flip pages or "work" at reading with a furrowed brow, fight or flight written all over my face.

I could go on, though obviously my point is that this is no way to live. It's simply not sustainable in the long run. I strongly believe this in theory. 

In practice however, what should I have taken out? 

To give some context, this what I do. Weekdays. 

6:25 alarm.

Coffee, hopefully exercise (cough - about half the time - cough), get ready for work, get kids out the door with me, assorted forms signed and lunches and gym strip and barely averted crises...brings us to...

8:30 Work in preschool or doing speech with elementary, alternate days. 

12:00 Eat lunch quick at home or while driving to neighbouring town (temporary elementary location during large-scale renovation of school)

12:25 Work in Grade 2 classroom. Not even going to go into it. 

3:25 Pick up kids from school or go to Arts Academy to teach voice/piano lessons.

5:30 Run into grocery store to find supper ingredients or supplement said ingredients. May buy lunch stuff. May have to run to drug store. Bank? Post Office?

6:30 Supper

Clean-up, laundry, kids here and there at lessons/sports/bible study/practices you-get-the-picture.

8:00 Couch is calling me like a long lost love ...

Honestly can't remember what usually happens about now...

Oh yeah I go for a walk quite often. 

Help kids with homework.

Family stuff. 

Hang up clothes to dry. 

11:00 pm Cajole kids to go to bed...remind them of the suffering and tragedy that was getting out of bed this morning. Limited response. 

    *      *       *

This is probably a pretty typical day for most people; I'm definitely not claiming special "busy status"!  

Throw in recitals, worship team practice, shopping, cleaning, committees and meetings. Some people might thrive on this. Not me. It feels like an extremely slow, agonizing death. Why is that? 

What does it cost to keep this up? 

In no particular order:

1) Creativity. When I do have time I don't have the heart to make things. Things like music, stories, baking, singing. This feels like a loss because time races by, year after year, and there was so much I dreamt of creating. 

2) Time with friends. I have a few wonderful friends, and family that I call friends. I'd like to spend quality time with them. Not quick texts to see if they are still alive and kicking, but actual visits, sit-down, tea and coffee, soul-to-soul time.

3) Being there for my kids. I miss track meets, being a parent helper or driver. I have to hear about it all afterward. Wondering if they have a water bottle or enough change for supper on the trips home. Of course it would be odd to be at EVERYTHING (and a helicopter parent I don't want to be) but once in a while? Yes. How many times do I get texts while I'm trying to teach lessons? "Mom, ....?" I don't even care that it's unprofessional, I leave my phone on and have a quick peek to see if it's emergency-worthy. Nope, all is well. "Okay, let's hear that piece again, from the top...1234..."

4) Being available. After awhile, people stop asking you things because they know you're too busy. Which, if we're being honest, can be good and bad...

5) Good Food. Let's face facts. I haven't cooked an interesting meal in a coon's age, whatever that is.  I want to - I can't do it. What should we have for supper? Whatever I can pull together fast. Dylan has been cooking more these days, and hey, he's been far more creative than I have. Thanks man. 

6) Health. Hi, I'm stressed and strung-out. I live on B-vitamins and Advil. True story. You'd think I'd be skinny by now. Nope. People tell me all the time that I look tired. Or that I look like I'm limping. "Yeah, I've been shot....just haven't had a chance to see the doctor yet." 

Am I tired? Did I sleep? These are what people call Rhetorical Questions.

7) Enjoying life. I've lost much of the ability to enjoy simple things in life. Books, listening to music, beauty, nature. When your mind is too busy everything is like noise. 

When I do get to go to bed I can't sleep. 

When I talk to someone I stress about what I said and if I said it right or if I'm messing everything up.

I drive too fast. 

I can't stand people doing things slowly. Almost came unglued on an elderly driver in a construction zone, and waiting in line at the drugstore is a special kind of torture. 

What's wrong with me? I'm afraid of slowing down because I might go off the rails. I crave silence but when I finally have it - it's deafening. 

Why am I telling this to you, my friends and the world at large?

Well I'm trying to come to some decisions about what I will do and what I won't do. But I think my decision maker thingy is broken. 

One of the biggest pieces that go missing, gradually, through being too busy, is identity. My identity is what I do. If I am not doing, I cease to be. Can I handle that vacuous unknown? Every label I remove leaves less of me. Please, leave on all the labels so I don't disappear. 

I want to live braver than that. 

Here's to being my actual self. 

Here's to freedom, as always. 

For My Son on his 13th Birthday

Hi Keegan, 

You are the light of my life, you know. 

From the moment I hung a blue sleeper on the front door for your dad to see as he came home, till the day you were born, I anticipated getting to know you.

Dad named you Keegan, which means Fiery One. I thought it was a mistake, as you lay quietly and gently in your bassinet or on the bed, looking calmly around, so still and small...but then week three came, and I think you had caught up on being born a bit early. All hell broke loose. By that I mean - you began to assert yourself on a regular basis, and to argue your point of view - kind of like a bear does in a trap.

You were still sweet. With your small thumb jammed in your mouth, and your curly, soft blonde hair, your wide and expressive brown eyes, and your strong, fat toddler legs carrying you all around with your blankie. 

But oh were you loud!!! 

I could tell my days as boss were numbered, unless I grew an iron will to match your own. 

Over the years we've had a lot of fun. Wagon rides to the park, dancing around the house to music, dressing up in odd costumes, snuggling on the couch. Watching episode after episode of Bob the Builder...and later, Scooby-Doo. 

Jumping off the deck into the snowdrifts. Jumping on the trampoline. Playing with batches of kittens. Saying goodbye to kittens when we had found them a home.  Watching you and Lauren swing on the swings, ride bikes, and chase each other around the yard, Cinder the dog hot at your heels.  Running through the sprinkler. The first time you climbed the big rock. The first time you jumped off. Teaching you to mow the grass. 

Our mother/son camping at Wilmore. Eating s'mores until we felt sick, and reading comics by flashlight. Watching the river dance with sunlit waves. 

Dragging you to school in the morning when I taught preschool, and later high school, and then dragging you away from your fun and your friends so we could finally go home. 

One thing you've had to deal with is being misunderstood. By me, by some teachers and family members. You never try to please people - you just are who you are. And you get very very focused on whatever it is you are doing. 

You've had harsh words thrown at you. You've been yelled at by well-meaning but exasperated teachers. Every time I saw you sitting out in the hallway, waiting to find out what rule you broke this time, my heart broke a little. Actually it broke a lot. 

You have always been very forgiving. I hope you continue to be. I think you will need to. 

(Grade 3)

I just love you so much. You are highly brilliant, smart and quick with your wit. You are hilarious and it's so tough to stay mad at you when I'm laughing. Like today, when you said, "maybe when I

become a teenager I'll finally get some respect around here." LOL

I'm incredibly proud of you. My computer whizz. Gamer extraordinaire. I don't quite understand your world a lot of the time, but I see how talented you are. I like that you always take time to help others with their technological woes. And you never act like you are better than anyone; you simply do what they need you to do. 

Today, on your 13th birthday, I'm talking about your strengths. I've already spent too much of our time on this planet telling you your weaknesses. I'm sorry for that. 

I pray for strength and courage for you this year as you face more challenges of growing up. I pray that you refuse to compromise. I pray that you practice putting others before yourself. I pray you stand strong and bold before all of the sick corruption of this world we live in. I know I can't protect you from everything. My great hope is you learn to protect yourself - by raising your shield, putting up the gloves, speaking out - whatever it takes. 

I feel sad that your childhood is drawing to a close. But I won't dwell on it. I know good things are coming. At 2 pm today, March 30, you will officially enter the teen years. You are going to be the smartest, kindest, funniest teenager I know. 

Happy Birthday, Keegan!

We all love you like crazy. Remember, we are your family and we've got your back. 

Hope this is one of your best years ever.

Love always and always, 

Mom.

John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. 

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."