Starting over new

This year is different. In good ways. Not teaching, trying to find time to do things that are important, I feel like I have escaped, like a P.O.W. out of the camp called Tyranny of the Urgent!
 Not to draw any real comparison with a concentration camp as that would be...well, terrible and foolish at best, but the"WORK MAKES FREE"
 on the gate is pretty close. It seems the words are branded on my psyche, because though I've left and headed in the other direction, I see them in front of my vision always...I still catalogue my day by all the things accomplished. Even things that don't matter one whit.  However.... if you sat me down and asked me, I would say that accomplishing STUFF isn't important. People are important.  Family is important. Watching the stars come out of a midnight-blue sky is important (if not essential), right up there with rose-smelling and baking cookies for the fun of it.
 So where is the disconnect? What's my problem?    Honestly -- when I figure it out I'll tell. What I DO know is that even though lots of life things, busy things, have come up to take my time away, I feel so much different.
                                 Not so panicked, not wishing everyone would go far away and leave me alone, not like the funky card I saw the other day on the card rack with the silver glitter writing and pink heart on a blue background that boldly swirled, "I hate everyone but YOU" ...but that's funny you have to admit...

Writing is great. I think of ideas all the time and never get them down. How very inefficient  of me!!One idea is writing devotions, based on scripture I've been reading. As a high school teacher responsible to do devotions and pray with students every morning I found that there is not much out there. A virtual desert. Too many feel-good, one-verse-taken-out-of-context, moralizing devotions and not much that really helps a person meet with God, which is kinda the POINT. So, on the advice of someone I have respect for, I'm going to post the devotions for people to read and comment on, and if any readers (which I am quite aware at this point there really aren't any, ha ha, better work on that) have ideas or criticisms, witticisms, comments, and so on, then that could be very helpful. And so. I will now attach one.

Morning Devotions

 

READ Acts 1:1-8

What is the last thing you would do before going away on a long trip? Perhaps you’ve been on a missions trip, or traveled far from home, or been a camp counsellor for the summer.  Or maybe you’re dying to take a trip away from home and you can imagine it in your mind’s eye… What would you say or do just before leaving? Not a quick “Bye, Mom!” as you rush out the door for school; rather, a hug, an “I love you and I’m gonna miss you like crazy, and please don’t forget to feed my fish, and PLEASE don’t let my little sister play in my room! And I promise I’ll let you know as soon as I arrive, yes, and I love you mom, you’re the best mom in the world and don’t you forget it”. Okay, perhaps I’m fantasizing a little as a mom here, but you get it. Luke writes about Jesus being taken up to Heaven, leaving earth for a good long while. 

In my former book, Theophilus, I wrote about all that Jesus began to do and to teach until the day he was taken up to heaven, after giving instructions through the Holy Spirit to the apostles he had chosen.”

The last thing Jesus did before leaving was give the disciples important instructions THROUGH THE HOLY SPIRIT! Did you catch that? The Holy Spirit was going to be with them! He was the new instruction giver.  Just a little while before, while they were sitting around a table eating, Jesus had given them a last command, “Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about.” What is this essential command about? Yep, the Holy Spirit. He is the promised gift. And what better gift could there be? A bit like if your dad was going away on a month long business trip, and as he’s leaving he hands you a portable screen and says, “Here, look at this. I will have a camera on me the whole time, linked to this screen. If you want to know what I am doing or what I’m thinking at any time, just look at this screen and I will be there, in real time, and we can talk.” Well!! It would almost be like he was still there with you! 

 Just before Jesus was taken up into the air in front of them, those bewildered and blinking disciples, he said, “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you”.  So don’t worry, don’t panic, God is still here. God the Holy Spirit is with you, you are not alone. Over and over Jesus reminds them. He could tell what they were thinking. He knew their hearts as he knows your heart today.

Are you feeling overwhelmed and alone? The Holy Spirit is with you. Do you not know what to do next? The Holy Spirit will instruct you. Are you feeling weak in your faith? You will receive power from the Holy Spirit. This was a significant moment for the disciples, seeing their beloved Saviour and friend leave. What did He say as He left them? The Holy Spirit is coming. He is with you. Just as he is with his disciples today. Here and now, today, listen to the Spirit. Get your instructions from Him. Know the power of his presence to give you the boldness to do all he is asking you to do.

 

Pray. Come Holy Spirit, God with us, lead and guide us in this hour and this day.  May we not feel alone or discouraged, but know that You are with us and You are all we need. Let your presence fill us and empower us with strength and courage to go on, to do the will of God and live for Him, until the day Jesus comes again. Amen

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post-Wedding Relief

Hi, all my friends. Ha ha ha!! ... yeah.
So, I was the emcee, and I survived :)
My brother was calm, thoughtful and wonderful, and his new bride -- beautiful, fun, and relaxed. Her DRESS!! Antique lace, creamy and gauzy and perfect. Her colors were a soft downy green and a silvery grey, tying in the surrounding tall firs, pines, the stones and glint of light off the lake. A serene setting. And I have been there before! When my daughter was just a little thing we stayed with Dylan's parents at Silver Lake Lodge. Why couldn't I remember that while we were there? It hit Dylan suddenly the next day, driving home. It was about 9 years ago; I suppose that has a bit to do with my lapsed memory.

I learned from my husband that my whole face and attitude changes when I am under stress. He was happy when the reception was over too... it was possible to live with me again. I didn't realize I was so toxic.

How does a girl stop worrying? Yes, it did help to pray, and know others were praying, and doing what I could to be prepared. I imagined being back in Italy (where I had nothing to do but enjoy) and seriously, that helped! Gave my brain a rest, I guess. If it is wrong to worry, and anxiety takes a toll on me and everyone around me, then how to stop? What do you suggest, Oh great non-readers? (Laugh) If there is no risk, no decision, no fun, no effort, then no worry, right? If you sit at home eating bon bons and reading all day, no worries, right? Huh. The key is probably balance. Yeah I know, sounds like a self-help book and SO BORING!! Blah blah balance. No? Balance is beautiful, you say. Ah, yes it is truly. Right proportions are always beautiful. .... UM... REALLY... think about it. Do you know someone lovely who isn't perfectly proportioned, face and body? You see what I'm talking about. The most amazing, glorious sunset you've ever seen might have been all orange and sun, not balanced very well at all. Adrian Brody has an enormous nose, really he does, and he's very easy on the eyes. Maybe the best days of our lives are those unbalanced ones, where we wasted an inordinate amount of time putting a hammock together and only got 5 minutes to be in it. Not to knock balance entirely. I still love it, I do aspire to it. Not many kids will sit long on a broken teeter-totter at the park, after all.

Rainy Monday

This is a good Rainy Monday colour. Blue with a hint of grey.
So it seems, it seems (think Hamlet), that I forgot I had a blog... again. Well I was only writing for practice, and for escape, not for posterity. Which is a good thing, Martha, because no one knows I'm here anyway!
I wonder how long I could blog under the radar?
After keeping journals for years I finally type much faster than I write and think in type better than in ink.

May 22 today, a holiday. It is tough to concentrate with an untidy house, looming school deadlines, and my brother's wedding on Saturday.... I'm the MC. I'm about to have a nervous breakdown.
Satisfaction in life is directly proportional to one's expectations. As I learn to expect less, I feel more content in the everyday. I didn't expect to relax, have fun, or get away this May long weekend. I have a million and one things pending. Therefore, each moment of relaxation, a cup of coffee uninterrupted, sitting with the kids on the couch or sleeping in seem like boons of benevolence. Like Keegan's Shirley Temple at East Side Mario's last night... a red, blue, and orange cherry on a glass stick complete with a cloud of pink cotton candy!! Unprecedented riches!! Next time, when he expects it, the colorful wand will be mildly enjoyable. Perhaps the cotton candy cloud won't be as large. A slight frown, a feeling of disappointment.

Disappointment that is expected is merely normalcy. A childhood without disappointment sends perfectly sane adults to mental institutions. Actually, I am quite sure cynicism is the cure for all ills. OK, maybe not all. Complacent skepticism disguised here as serious thought will solve a few problems as well, by tucking them nicely away from view. Just sliiiide it over, gently, behind the hedge there.
A fully engaged life is one that deals with complexities, that never shuts the door and sits demurely with a dime novel. An engaged life must draw strength from God, working with Him, talking with Him. Accepting the disappointments and opening to each blessing with wonder and joy. It is tempting to shut down, to blank out, to shift the view to what you want to see and the blame to someone, anyone. Some rainy Mondays can only come one drop at a time, one foot in front of the other. One load of laundry, one rosebush pruned, one assignment graded. Perhaps in living fully, engaged in the moment, there will be no time to gaze with a cynical eye. What is required? To act justly, to love mercy, to walk humbly with God.

Wow, October 29. I have been a wee bit busy. Plus, I completely forgot about this blog which matters not one whit, as I have no followers. "Follow me, up and down, all the way and all around/take my hand and say you'll follow me." John Denver is a narcissist! He sings about himself way too much. Me, myself, I, I, I. It's actually funny if you think about that and then listen to one of his cd's. Love him, though. Maye I'll become a narcissist when I grow up.

I've been desperately tired since early this morning and put in a very long day, so I really shouldn't be saying a thing. I should be in bed, snuggled up, trying to mentally block out the snores of my husband (whom I love). But in all seriousness, if he brought home a handful of earplugs I would be more ecstatic than with an armful of roses. I'll take either, really.

Next time, something profound I promise.

I still feel the same way as October 29. More resigned though, not fighting it so much. It's an amazing job, really. I feel privileged and scared to share with these people, these beautiful precious young students. May I not mess them up! May I not say anything I will regret.

"Words should be wild, as they are the assault of thoughts on the unthinking." John Maynard Keynes

Teaching is Hard

The obvious statement. Every teacher knows it. Even students know it, somewhere in the back of their minds, in a barely conscious place. 
No really, teaching is harder for some people than others. 

I, for example, imagine myself a tightrope walker, and the tension is hard to keep up. Feigned relaxation may be the most stressful thing known to man, other than waiting in line at the grocery store when you loaded 10 too many things in your basket and your kids are running wild, or being pulled over for speeding when you were taking the closest exit to a gas station washroom ....polite, polite, polite.

At school I love the students. There are little things that drive me crazy, yes. Like stop yapping and get some bloody work done.

 The tightrope I walk is that I naturally resist the carefulness, the checking, the necessity of homework, the pursed lips and the near-sighted perusing of notes and assignments, discussing meter in poetry (gag) and gee, it basically sounds like I resent curriculum and want to do whatever I want. 

Yeah....

Well, that's not terribly far off the truth! But I DO the curriculum, and just make sure what we study and how we study it is as interesting as possible. 

The tightrope is wanting to laugh uproariously and tell idiotic jokes, wanting to break into dance or song or a rant, and being held oh-so-fragile above the circus crowd by needing to be a good teacher, by caring enough for the students and my job to educate them properly and professionally. 
But OH!! Sometimes my mask slips. 
 I thought I saw a . . . what is that? Glitter? A microphone, that frantic beat? Quick, shut it down. Do the job.

"May I have your attention, I am writing valuable things here on the whiteboard, can't you see how hard I am trying, don't you want to know??'
Perhaps I cannot do this over the long haul. How long can one perform these feats? What is the average shelf life of a secretly crazy teacher? 

There is a strong possibility that other teachers feel the same way. Do you ever long to hug a student and say, hey, throw that blasted essay away. I'm sorry I just explored that great story/novel/poem/film with you and then sucked away all trace of joy or the thrill of discovery by making you write a focused, concise, well-supported essay of 500 words. Due Friday. There will be a 2.5% late penalty for every day late, up to a maximum of . . .. . . . . . . . . . 

 Does this circus use nets? Because I sense a free-fall coming on.