The Life That Now Is

The Path to True Calling

Hello again. 

I've had a stressful time lately, and that makes it hard to write. Just being a parent, and trying to cope with this covid situation like everyone else, and wondering about school and work and really wanting to go somewhere and do something but feeling stuck, every hour a new toxic news story that I try to shut out but I realize therein lies that sly beast, cowardice. 

I'm painting again, in the summer, as usual...another house, another "freshening up", another series of trips to the hardware store, washing brushes in the evening, scrubbing drops of stray paint off the floor. Colour chips everywhere as I struggle to choose, holding them up to the light again and again. It has taken me longer to get some areas painted in this house, because I just don't seem to care as much about it, honestly. It was supposed to be a short stop, a few years, a new dream. And things haven't gone as planned, as so much in life goes, but yet - here we are. There are good people around, friends, neighbors, church family, and beautiful fields of wheat and canola, wide open skies overhead. 

What's not to love?

About Dreams

What I have had on my heart to write the past month is this idea of doing what we are meant to do, and how many distractions keep us away from the very paths our heart and soul are designed to walk down. 

What is it that you could be doing, that could greatly help others around you?

What do people in your life hope you will do?

Why are you not doing it?

Those who have read other posts on this blog will recall that I often refer to Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress, and yes, again that amazing book comes to mind. 

How many times were Christian and his companions tempted to veer off the path? Either into a sleepy meadow to be captured by a Giant, or over a wall to take a shortcut, or to become enamored by the sparkling city of Vanity Fair. 

But they were heading for the Celestial City, and eternal life. Greater things were ahead than any they were leaving behind. 

We do good things, but not essential things. 

I am personally in a time of having to say "yes" and "no" fairly often. I LOVE saying yes. 

Saying NO is horrible and only very selfish and terrible people do it. 

Unfortunately much of my self-worth over the years has come from doing, and not just any little doing, but as much as possible. 

Did you know, reader, that there is a coveted prize for He or She Who Works the Hardest? There is one for He or She Who Works the Longest, as well. No one has ever seen these awards (granted) but nevertheless we strive on in hope. The only way to qualify however is to get up exceptionally early, or at least earlier than everyone else, and to continue working until it is impossible to work anymore because it is practically midnight. The only way anyone can really know how hard one is working is if you constantly discuss it. Slip it into any average conversation. There are bonus points if you have barely eaten all day. If someone had an emergency and you helped them out, be sure to let your left hand AND your right hand be in communication, or this may fall through the cracks, and never be noticed at all. 

Now I may be slightly dripping with sarcasm here, just a tad, but this idea of work for the sake of being very busy is indeed a valid problem. 

Not because work is bad, but because it slowly veers us off the path we were meant to travel. 

Many Tasks Make Light Work

The ability to work hard is valuable. 

Too many tasks, however, keep us busy and burdened so we cannot see the one thing that would make a world of difference. 

For me, I'm starting to think that one thing is worship. I know I am called to this, singing and leading songs of praise to God, running forward into His presence. Holding the banner of worship high as the battle rages on. I'm not the best at it, but I know there is a calling on my life in that direction. 

One reason I know is that worship is so hard. There is constant pressure to conform, to get lost in legalities and details, to keep it safe and tame. Worship is a lion, but we try oh-so-carefully to keep it as a pet, a small and unobtrusive housecat curled up in sleepy comfort. 

We want to sing the old songs, again and again. We want to sit, and stand, and be told what to do. We want, Church, to feel good when we worship. To feel safe, to have comfort and security. REAL worship is dangerous. But I digress. 

There are so many other tasks that I can do that are much easier than planning, organizing, practicing and leading worship. I get lost in these tasks sometimes, or my own agenda. Even exercise and "self-care" can be a distraction. How important is it that we spend hours and hours taking care of our health? I mean it is quite important, yes, but earth-shatteringly significant - I don't know.  

Sometimes I look around at the young people, the teenagers with nothing to do, and wonder where are the leaders. Where are the mentors, where are the people that could speak into their lives. Why are there so few David Wilkersons and Loren Cunninghams? 

There seems to be no one willing or able. 

No time to take a risk. 

Not my problem, we think. Until it is our own kid. Then, oh how we wish someone would try. 

My friend, I guarantee someone's life will change because you and I dusted off God's vision for our future. 

Daily Life is Relentless

We are only given a small amount of time, just 24 hours. In that span we have to go to our jobs, eat, sleep, check Facebook (ugh), keep our children alive, volunteer, plan events, respond to endless emails, feed our useless pets, attempt to keep a couple of friends and try not to get fat. That last one is generally the hardest!

So that's enough, right? More than enough, really. 

Is there room for one burning hope?  What about a dream? A fire in one's bones that cannot be put out? That one thing you know you are called to do? 

We often put our most sacred callings and dreams on the back burner and wait for a better time. A more free time. 

"After I'm married."

"Once the kids are a little older."

"When we have our own house."

"Once this job is done."

"When the kids have graduated."

"After we retire."

Guess what? Your calling is rotting on the back burner. 

That person you could have talked to, that friend that was in pain, that young person that needed help - they are gone now. They moved on, and whatever happened, happened.  

Work Your Life Around the Main Thing

I don't know how to do this, but I do realize now that there is no other way. 

The Calling has to come first, and life must give way to it, wrap around it. The tidal waves of living that are common to us all will sweep everything under the sand and soon, we forget. There is only a nagging feeling that there was something, once, that we meant to do. 

We glance at the proverbial back burner but can't remember what we put back there. 

Think about what it is you are often asked to do by others. Sometimes, that is a clue. Or what are you most proud of from the last 5 years of your life. There are clues everywhere, and often other people know, even if we don't. So ask someone you trust, and listen with all ears open. 

There may be a different life calling to you on the wind, just a faint sound of whatever it was you are leaving behind. Listen while there is still time, and realize that everything else you are doing, all the busyness, will never be caught up. Let the busy try to catch up to you instead, as you run toward the adventure of your life. 

"...having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come."

I Timothy 4:8b

On Women in the Church: The Sequel

My fear doesn't 

           stand a chance

      when I stand in Your love..."  

     - lyrics by Josh Baldwin

Writing about being a woman in the church was not my plan, but somehow I am compelled to keep doing it.

This isn't great timing because recently I have taken on more work at my church, and maybe if someone from there reads this, they will assume I am trying to usurp an authority or promote my agenda ... dare I continue?

I tried a few different blog post ideas, all quite interesting, yet - here we are.

Over the past two or three weeks since the first post I have been chewing on several responses, looked up as much information as time allowed, listened to podcasts, read sermons, read scripture, and talked to friends, mentors and family.

There haven't been any epic Aha! moments, no earth-shaking conclusions drawn.
However, there are a few significant realities that have come to the fore, and these I shall wrestle down and pin here for examination.

Women are Looking for a Place to Release Burdens of Hurt

Throughout the stories I have heard these past weeks runs a common thread - women need a place to set their burden down. To feel heard. To talk about the confusion, hurt, sorrow or shame they have been carrying, perhaps for a very long time. A sense of bewilderment pervades the often hesitant memories. 

This confusion I believe stems from two distinct areas. 

1) Not knowing what invisible line was crossed. 

Sometimes women in churches or other ministries trip over a wire they didn't know was there, and to this day they aren't sure what happened. They know there was an awkwardness or a downright hostility in some situation, but they rarely know where it came from. 

Perhaps someone felt threatened and found a way to shut them down behind the scenes. Perhaps rumours were started in order to discredit - rumours meant to "knock them down a peg". Sadly, it is often other women who feel threatened by their sisters in Christ, and seek to take a bat to their kneecap, to use a Tonya Harding reference, and take them out of the perceived limelight or competition. What a travesty this is.

We are all called to serve together in harmony and unity, and nothing grieves the heart of our Lord like these silly spats, these sibling rivalries. Like Martha with her sister Mary, we want to make sure everyone stays in their lane. In Martha's case, seeing Mary being taught by the Rabbi Jesus, sitting there at his feet in a man's world, was too much. And yet what did Jesus say to her? 

“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”   Luke 10:41-42

Jesus was very clear that Mary was welcome to sit and learn with the others, even though this went directly against the patriarchal system of the day, where women were not even allowed to be in the same area as men, let alone be taught by a rabbi.

When we clamour to put people in their place, what we seek is control and recognition. Jesus was not having it then, and I doubt He has changed His mind today. 

2) The second area of confusion results from being misunderstood. 

I alluded to something in the last post that I have since realized haunts other women as well. This sense of shame comes from the "dangerous romance" idea, that any woman alone is trying to seduce the church leaders. That moral failure on the part of any on the leadership team is The Cardinal sin that must be avoided, and so women in general are avoided. And everything becomes disgustingly sexualized. The only "safe" place is to be a wife who can hide behind a husband. 

But where does that leave the single woman? The widow? The godly but abandoned divorcee? 

Granted, every church and Pastor needs to be serious about protecting the reputation of himself and each of the flock in his care. 

However, causing shame to a woman who is genuinely seeking to serve the Lord and others is doing great damage to the body of Christ. The Church happens to be made up of fifty percent women. How can half the body be rendered invisible and still be expected to function? 

Yes, set up good boundaries in your pastoral practice. But do not ever let a woman in your church be shamed, either by yourself, or another elder, or another woman. This request is well within the realm of responsibility for a pastoral leader. 

Shame, raised eyebrows, or expressions of disdain and suspicion are deadly arrows, capable of leaving gaping wounds in a well-intentioned, truly devoted woman of God. 

Misunderstanding can also simply be that any woman who has an idea, an opinion, or expresses herself assertively, is trying to take over the church. This mistrust of motives also does untold damage, rendering women in the church immobile. Numb. Static. Cowed. And ineffective. 

One almost wonders if the enemy of our souls could have a hand in it. 

Women in the Church are Not Interested in Taking over from Men

Not one woman I have heard from in the larger Church of Christ was trying to gain authority or power over a man, or fight for a position. 

Most women get along great with men, and care for and respect them as brothers in the Lord. Men have their own issues and battles to face in our current emasculating, feminist-agenda culture. We can address women in the church without dismissing men and their struggles. One set of concerns does not cancel out the other, though I have heard this as a reason to leave the topic rest. 

On a personal note, I don't have an axe to grind. In most churches I have attended I have been treated very well. Granted I have always been careful to show deference and be "nice", as unfortunately People Pleasing is a chronic problem with me. I have no desire to see any man demoted or discouraged in order to give women more space. It is not an either/or scenario.

Honestly, one reason it feels odd to be taking on this subject is that I've always had the attitude that it wasn't worth stirring the water. Men will be men, and women can just be content with the world as is. This was my rather anemic, not-terribly-brave position. 

Taking a simplistic stance doesn't seem enough, anymore. 

Women have the same Intellectual Capacity as Men to Understand and Teach Scripture. 

It isn't enough, either, for women to toss the burden of learning, grasping and discerning theology totally in the men's court. Why should they have all the fun? I mean ... responsibility? 

Maybe it is true that not as many women are interested in doctrine. Possibly. I doubt it. 

So why do so few pursue the deep study of God's Word? Or if they do study, tend to hide what they know? 

Making yourself less so that someone else can be more is NOT a noble cause, oh sister. 

You have the brains, you have the talent, and you have the discernment. This is not a gift only given to the male of the species. 

In fact, I believe it is imperative that women seek to study and grow in the wise handling of the word of Truth. Get a degree if you want. A Masters or a Doctorate if that interests you.  Do not shy away as if these riches are too much for you dear one, or conversely, as if you are 'too much' for these treasures. God has distributed intelligence, wisdom, and discernment equally among the sexes. 

Young Women are Leaving Churches 

Our girls are looking for places to belong and be themselves in churches, and are not always
finding such places. Teens and young women see the way things are and cannot visualize how they will fit in, in many cases. Either they are shuffled off to work with the children (which is perfectly fine and wonderful if that is their gifting) or feel that they must find a husband, be engaged at least, before they can fit in anywhere.

And so I have observed an exodus of young women from our churches. They cannot accept the role, grow tired of the expectations, and disappear. This is a growing and heartbreaking tragedy.
If they observe women not being allowed to have a voice, not thinking, not questioning, and only being seen if they have a husband and family, why wouldn't they opt out?

One of the most meaningful times in my life was when I was part of the Pacific Community Church worship team in Cloverdale, BC. We practiced in a garage. My opinion was asked often, even though I was young (21-23) and new at the role. We had to haul all of the equipment at 6:30 am from said garage to the school gym where we set it all up for two Sunday services, each around 500-600 attendees. After the services we re-loaded the gear like a large and difficult game of Tetris, compacted into that small trailer and then back to the garage. The leader took time to ask how we were, let us talk about our week, read Scripture and composed songs with us. It was a time of being heard and being taught, and I knew I belonged. Looking back I realize how significant that time was in shaping my future in the church.
We need to make sure our young people are seen. Otherwise, few will stay on for the long haul (other than to make their parents content).

Complementarian, Egalitarian and Patriarchal camps all claim that Scripture is clear, but Is It Clear? 

Reading the comments under videos on this subject can be terribly disconcerting. And downright depressing. So many "The Bible is clear. Case closed" comments, that I started to believe them simply because of the repetition, the steady drum beat in my head. 

"Scripture says."

"Leave things as they are."

"Women know what they need to do and that's the end of it."

"Stop disobeying God's direct commands."

"Paul made it clear; deal with it."

For all this time I have accepted that answer as well.

That God's plan is for men to always lead, and women to submit and follow. 

Deborah was God's Plan B, because Barak wouldn't take the lead. 

A woman can be used only if there are no men available. 

Women should never teach men, and certainly not from the front. 

It is better if a man does the Scripture reading. 

You should have the men pray. 

A man should always open or close in prayer. 

Perhaps Deborah was God's Plan A. 

Even a brief study of the Pauline Epistles reveals that if we are to follow Paul's directions thoroughly, then women should be completely silent in church. 

"As in all the churches of the saints, the women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says. And if they desire to learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is improper for a woman to speak in church." 

1 Cor. 14:34-35 

The popular complementarian view of which I am most familiar definitely encourages women to speak up and have a role to play. So which is it? Can we take a little bit of what Paul says, what we like, and discard the rest? How is this clear? 

Is this verse addressing a specific situation (given the context, yes) and a specific culture at a certain time in history? Yes. The Bible is a historical book. It gives guidelines for how to treat slaves, because slaves were a real part of everyday life at that time. We don't accept that the Bible would condone slavery. And it does not, but the Bible does describe slavery in those times.

So why do some churches seem to condone the exclusion of women's voices?

(My church at this writing, Prairie Tabernacle in Southern Alberta, does not do this, I am happy to say). 

And yet - there is a principle that can be gleaned. Hermeneutics, my friends. VERY important. What is the overarching principle that is being expressed? Well I thought I knew, but I'm not sure it's good enough. If it was working, then why do so many women feel invisible in churches today?

Most evangelical churches have not actually defined the role of half of their congregation. And if they have, no one is talking about it. Ask your church leaders how they define the role of women in your church. Ask yourself the same question. I think we need to have a good look at the issues and not shy away for fear of offending somebody.

...Too Much for One Post!

Reader, I'm drowning. 

There are too many threads, offshoots, forks in the road, rabbit trails that must be explored. Verses to unpack. Theories to explore. 

The more I search the more there is to be found. These points have unpinned themselves, and are now wrestling with me!

Women encompass so many unique, individual colors: magenta, tangerine, violet, soft green, brilliant blue. Many gifts, countless expressions. Trying to be only black or white in order to fit the mold in church can negate these hues and leave women feeling lifeless and unseen.

And so, thank you for braving the waves with me. There will indeed have to be a Part 3, at the very least.
I am standing on the Rock, and He knows the Truth, He is the Way, and He is the Life. I can confidently ask and I am assured that He will lead, guide, and answer. 

Truly he is my rock and my salvation;  

he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.   

My salvation and my honor depend on God;     

he is my mighty rock, my refuge.  

Trust in him at all times, you people;     

pour out your hearts to him, 

    for God is our refuge. 

Psalm 62:6-8

A Change Would do You Good

Last week was Mother's Day, and I didn't have a blog post together. 

I thought Hey, it's my day, I'm going to enjoy being a mom and just relax. True, but also a helpful excuse, as the previous week I wrote about being a woman in the church, and honestly...with the feedback that was coming in daily, there was a lot to process. IS a lot to process.

Part 1 of the Woman in Church thing was really just a peeling back of the lid, and now I want to be careful in examining the contents. Is it a can of worms, or a bowl of cherries? I've got a lot of thoughts. So there will be a part 2 on being a woman in church, but not today.

Today I want to explore current events a little more. What is going on in our daily realities? Me, I do a lot of walking, I work, I have meetings. I make meals and do a pile of dishes (our dishwasher has been broken since January. Please start a Go Fund Me.) I plead with my son to do some school work. I have wonderful long talks with my daughter. I drink coffee in the afternoons and look at trucks for sale with my husband on his phone. I give disgusted looks to the cat, and everyone thinks I don't like the cat. Then I feel bad, and tell the family that blessed cat would surely be dead if I didn't give her food and water and look after her basic needs! Hmph.

How has Life Changed for you? 

Every week the government and thus the media have a different take, new conflicting data, a better mantra for what we Absolutely Must Do.
For those strong, independent, pioneering personalities, this is akin to a straight-up challenge. And thus we see a lot of hard questioning, protests, and even a few conspiracy theories. These are the people who shout "Have fun!" as you drive away.
They don't want to collect CERB because it comes from the bloody government (not to mention it is plunging our nation into 100 years of crippling debt).
We need these people, and I value their opinions. We need them to balance out the others.

On the other side, there are those who tend to trust institutions, want to follow the rules, and get pretty mad at those who do not. And for good reason, sometimes. These people tend toward being anxious, enjoy routine, and live carefully and thoughtfully. When you are driving away from their house, they say "Stay safe!"
They are perfectly fine with collecting CERB  because they need it, and deserve it for the hard work they had been doing. Besides, it's kind of nice to stay home.

There are quite a few of us in the middle who are waffling between hard eye rolls and holding our heads in our hands, or twiddling our thumbs and banging our heads against the wall.

This hasn't been fun for anybody.
And if it has been fun for you, well, it's time to take a good hard look at your life. Perhaps a change would do you, or me, some good.

Pros and Cons

The pros and cons of our present situation have come up frequently in conversations over the last few weeks. On the one hand, a friend may say they are not working and feeling stress about their job, but on the other hand they are happy to be spending so much time with their kids. 

On one hand, it would be really nice to get away for the weekend, but on the other hand, we are saving on gas and giving the vehicle a break, maybe getting some yard work done. 

There are pros to not getting dressed up every day, spending evenings with family, or having time to read. (I read an actual book for fun yesterday, and it has been at least several months, if not a year, since that happened! I even stayed up unhealthily late so I could finish the whole thing, and felt almost giddy in my insurrection!)

Some are getting more exercise than ever, or have learned a new hobby, or just feel more connected to their loved ones. 

On the other hand, there is nothing positive about losing the ability to pay your mortgage, spending a milestone birthday at home without a celebration, or worrying about an elderly parent living alone. 

Nothing fun about selling your truck because there is no money for payments, or watching your restaurant inventory slowly spoil at the same time as your life's dream is dying. Or having severe anxiety and being afraid to go anywhere or do anything because covid is out there, lurking. 

There will be many, many stories that come out of this time. 

Stories that are being written right now in the hearts and minds of people all over the world. 

Love stories that never would have happened. 

Reconciliations between husbands and wives, brothers and sisters, long lost friends. Fathers and mothers who may often be away are getting to know their children, and that is beautiful and so needed. 

New discoveries made, creative ideas explored. 

And sadly, there is abuse and neglect going on as children are trapped in destructive homes, or people are stuck behind doors with a cruel, narcissistic partner, someone who just loves this new level of control. I am sincerely worried about these situations. I pray that if anyone is living this, they will get the help they need. Reach out; don't take one more day of abuse. 

Stories of struggle, of loss, of need, and of hope are being lived out as you read this. 

What is yours?

Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the realm of the dead, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom. 

I have seen something else under the sun: The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong, nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favor to the learned; but time and chance happen to them all.  

Moreover, no one knows when their hour will come: As fish are caught in a cruel net, or birds are taken in a snare, so people are trapped by evil times that fall unexpectedly upon them. 

Ecclesiastes 9:10-12

Should we go back to the way it was?

I am imagining a scene, in which a tired teacher gets ready for school in August. He or she has been thinking of retiring for years, but it was never the right time. Have the last months created a desire to go back into the classroom as soon as possible, to treasure the smiles, to cherish the little teachable moments, the stickers, the schedules, even recess supervision? Or does the teacher suddenly feel too weary to do it all again?

I imagine a tableau in a kitchen, where a father is leaving early again for work. It has been 5 months since he performed this morning ritual, coffee in hand, briefcase, keys. The lonely commute, the family life all but lived when he arrives back late after the sun's already set. He pauses, opens the door of his little son's bedroom, and thinks of all the hours they spent - reading stories, wrestling, his boy following him closely around the yard, asking all the questions he hadn't had a chance to ask before. He is thoughtful. Somehow, he can't rejoice, though he knows he must go. Will they ever be so close again? He will fight for it. 

I'm thinking of a couple who never took that trip, because there was always something. And now they are in their twilight years, feeling it all the more as the fear of the pandemic robs them of joy and strength. They couldn't go now if they wanted to. And then one day, the planes are flying again. They turn to each other and book the trip, laughing and clapping their hands. It wasn't too late, thank God, it wasn't too late to go. 

I see an elderly woman in a care home. She sits in her green rocker, a magazine idle in her aged hands. The pandemic is over now, but she is used to being alone. No one has come to visit for over two years, or is it three? She can't be sure. But they are coming today. All of them! Even the great-grandchildren. And her daughter said, last time through a catch in her voice on the phone, that she should schedule it in, because they would be all taking turns every Sunday. She smiles and it lights up the corners of her faded blue eyes. 

How will lives be changed? 

I think in some ways we will go back to normal faster than anyone predicted possible. In other ways, life will be changed forever. Some things will change, but we won't realize it until later...maybe even years from now. 

Someone will ask, so how did you two meet? 

And they will turn to each other, and laugh, and say "It was the pandemic of 2020. We were both stuck in an airport, trying to get home. And we ended up talking, I gave her my number, and now here we are."

Someone else might ask, so how did you become a musician? 

"Remember the pandemic of 2020? I lost my furnace cleaning business, and ended up sitting at home with my guitar for weeks on end. That was quite a time. Now, I've got a band and here we are!"

"Wow, that's a story! Um, please, could you sign my album cover?"

Another may query, so why are you going back to school?

"Well, it was the 2020 pandemic. I looked around at my life, realized I truly hated what I was doing, and resolved to start again. I finally had the time to think and take a hard look at reality. So here I am, going for my Masters, at long last."

I could go on endlessly, as all kinds of situations and perspectives come to mind. As many as there are humans alive on earth. 

Whether the tale is a bad one or a good one, we are all living in it. I hope yours is turning out alright. Mine might be little frayed, a little at the end of the proverbial rope, but I am trying to redeem the time. 

Who, I wonder, will tell our stories? Perhaps we all should be writing things down. 

On Being a Woman in the Church

Women in Ministry

'You call me out upon the waters...the great unknown, where feet may fail'
(Hillsong)

There are many topics swirling through my head, but this one kept coming back to roost. And I think a break from coronavirus quandaries is merited. 

I am very aware, in broaching this subject, of feeling like I'm standing alone on a raft in the middle of the ocean, storms brewing in the background, waves beginning to toss. For this blog I will keep to my own experiences as a woman in the church, and in this way open a conversation, with perhaps a more rigorous analysis as follow-up. 

I began attending church with my parents at the age of 4. There were many good men and good women serving alongside each other, and I had some wonderful, godly Sunday School teachers that were, granted, mostly women, and one man who taught Jr. Church with exuberance, patience, and compassion.

I did notice that the roles were quite tightly followed, roles of women preparing and cleaning in the kitchen, and men sitting around tables or behind closed doors having very important meetings. In my own family, I am blessed with a dad who has the heart of a servant. Though he has been a business owner for 45 years, he was also often the first to arrive, making coffee or a pancake breakfast before Sunday School, and the last to leave - mopping the floors and locking the doors. What an incredible example he has been and still is.

When I went to friend's homes, however, I sometimes wondered at how the men would sit in the living room relaxing and doing as little as possible, while the women cooked, served, cleaned and tidied up afterward. Not that anyone seemed upset about it - this was just the way it was.
And I think this attitude and these roles were often unconsciously brought over into church life. No one was trying to 'promote the patriarchy' or cause abuse. There was probably very little thought put into it at all. 

Through my childhood and teen years the idea gradually cemented that men were to think and to decide, and women were to do and to serve. I often heard about the "gossiping woman" and how much damage she could do, and I do believe many women stay quiet in the church to avoid this shameful title. In essence, however, the men in their late and closed door meetings were discussing exactly the same church issues that the women were when they met at the park or the Bible study, with the same intelligent ideas, thoughtfulness, prayer, and dedication. But for the women, that was the end of it. Perhaps a wife talked things over late at night with her husband.  Perhaps he even used her ideas, either with or without giving her any credit for it. Maybe she was fine with that, as staying in the background would invite less criticism and less raising of eyebrows, less labeling as a pushy or conniving woman. 

Again, I do not believe there is intent to trod down women in the church.
Perhaps in some instances.
However, as we know, intent and outcome are often two entirely different kettles of fish.  

Where do toxic and blame-ridden ideas about women come from? Often, they are sadly grounded in reality and experience. 

Yes, there are women who gossip and cause problems behind the scenes. 

I've seen it, definitely.

I have heard stories from Christian leaders about when they couldn't give a woman what she demanded, either an audience or a role, and she created a wasp nest of derision and slander that took an incredible toll on the time and resources of that ministry. There are women, as there are men, who clamour for attention in churches, sapping the energy of the board members and the church as a whole. These people will never be satisfied. They have an endless need for validation, and if churches and ministries are wise, they will open the door only so far. Do not give a constant audience to such people, as it will appear necessary and even a form of ministry, but your church will suffer greatly for it. 

Yes, some women in churches can cause issues. If they are given an inch, they will grasp for the proverbial mile. However, I must say that the biggest hissy fit may be from a man who is used to being listened to, used to having his way, and accustomed to forcing his opinion - when he is not granted the audience or the attention he desires. 

My Experience

There are many stories I could tell, but one experience has occurred regularly, for years. As a worship leader who leads with my husband, I notice congregants approach him often after a service. They automatically go to him to say "thank you for the worship". These lovely people do not realize it was me who poured over songs, prayed, planned, re-planned, practiced, gathered a team, typed up an order of service, and led the practice. Hours of preparation. And I'm happy to do it! My husband is a great guy and says, "Thank you very much, I'll pass that on to Pam", or tells me about the comment later. I do not mind this at all; I accept it. If I was the type of worship leader who was looking for accolades and pats on the back, I shouldn't be up there to begin with. 

Why though, is this the status quo?

Why do I sometimes wish I wasn't a woman, in church?

One time I needed to ask my Pastor something, and stopped by the church office. This was a very rare occasion, in fact I had never done it before, but this was a request of some urgency involving someone who needed care.

He wasn't in, and I was told I couldn't call him from my cell phone. I had to use someone else's phone, and call his wife's cell, and then he could talk to me. 

That was fine; I know that Pastors need strict boundaries, and I respect that fully. No problem. But why did I feel so dirty? Why was I feeling ashamed when I just needed a moment of his time? Yes, Pastors need boundaries, but in this situation I began to wonder why women in church are often made to feel like they are too much, or like we are all trying to lead the poor Pastor astray at every turn. This was the furthest thing from my mind, and yet I felt shame. I haven't approached a Pastor since. 

As a woman in church, I have learned to downplay my ideas and my role. Now this is going to sound really silly, and I don't blame you if you roll your eyes at me...

Often I will purposely struggle or appear to take more time to gather my thoughts, or force a simple look onto my face when talking to a man regarding the church or theology. Either that, or laugh and say, "I probably don't know what I'm talking about."
Crazy right? 

Why do I feel it is necessary to do that? 

I know I can match a conversation with any man, mind for mind, thought for thought. Still I hide. What am I hiding from? 

I think it's the Labels. 

Even now I'm wondering if I should bother posting this because it will invite the Labels. Should I be encouraging conversation around these issues?

She's Difficult. 

She thinks she knows it all. 

She's a little bit....well, feminist. 

(Ugh, I really don't like the connotations of that word. Is it actually possible to be a Christian and feminist? Can we please invent another word? I'm feeling triggered.)

It is alright to be creative, and also logical? 

Compassionate, and strong? 

Thoughtful, and also kinda humorous?

Feminine, and able to lead?

Jesus and Women

Jesus showed equal compassion for male and female, rich and poor, slave and free, tax collector and prostitute, Nicodemus the Pharisee and the woman at the well. He demonstrated that it is the individual who is important. Jesus met all people at a point in their personal story, and gave of His time and His love, wisdom and grace, knowing exactly where they were headed and what they needed.

He never caused a woman to feel less than, or ashamed because she was a woman. 

Jesus is still doing this today with our individual stories. He understands the struggles faced by men and by women, because He is God. 

If we can treat every person as the special and unique individual they are, without labels, we can continue to make progress in our churches. If we can leave our cultural and worldly understandings outside, and embrace each other as brothers and sisters, we will also leave shame and misunderstandings at the door. 

Keep the Conversation Going

This is a hard issue - women in the church. 

I generally like to write about perspectives where I already have a firm understanding, but this, this feels like a work in progress. 

I know some will think I go too far, and others not nearly far enough. Some of you reading will have struggled to get past the Hillsong lyric at the start.
Perhaps someone has already labeled me "a liberal Christian". 

No, I don't think I am. But I do believe that men and women in the church need to keep the back and forth of ideas and share perspectives, and see if we can create spaces for women to be themselves in church.

Women, lets support one another and refuse to be threatened by each other.

My fellow sisters, your voice will create the space around you that you need, or that others may need from you. The respect you earn will be yours. If you abuse the voice or platform you are given, the disrespect you earn will also be yours, so speak with wisdom, with care, with courage. But speak up.

We have to stop apologizing for being who we are. Whether you are a woman who loves teaching small kids, loves ministering with hospitality, or loves theology and discussion, your voice and your perspective are important. If you have the capacity to step into a different role than what others may expect, go for it.

You do not need to hide your light in order that others may shine brighter. 

You are not too much; you have intelligence and wisdom, and your thoughts and ideas can stand up and be counted.

Insert Bible Verses Here

(I wrote a paragraph about what the Bible says regarding the roles of women, complete with references and verses about delighting in God's commands... but deleted it. I'll save that for another time. This particular post is about how I feel being a woman in the church. It's about the questions, not about all the answers.)

To Conclude...

Help me keep the conversation going. What do you think the issues are that affect women in church? Do any of my thoughts resonate with you? Or am I alone in feeling that something is off, or that I wish it was easier?

I recall once years ago asking a question in a member's meeting with a pastoral candidate. I said, "What do you believe about the role of women in the church?" He tried to laugh off the whole question with the whole - you're going to get me in trouble here - spiel, but eventually replied, "Well, women can of course serve in the kitchen, with the food and hospitality, and they can of course teach the Sunday School, well the younger ones, I mean..." and then he trailed off. I sat down, feeling so baffled. Had this pastor really never thought it through? And why was I frustrated with his answer? There must be something wrong with me, I thought. After all, no one else had asked the question. Maybe I had crossed some line, again. Where was the line, anyway?

Is it better if women are seen and not heard? 

Are churches doing a great job? 

Perhaps your church or ministry is thriving and there are no issues. Women have a voice, a say, and a presence there. I do hope so. 

What have I missed? Tell me your stories. 

The 'Rona Monologues

Playground sits empty on a beautiful afternoon.

No one is going to be happy with this blog.

I'm ok with that.
Someone is going to be offended, or upset. That's what happens when we have a major, polarizing event, where people have strong opinions and believe with all their heart and soul that they have a right to those opinions. And you do.
You do have a right to those strong opinions.
But strength of opinion does not mean right. No one, right now, is going to be totally correct.
So we might as well drop the sticks, lower our voices, and greet this trial with a gentleness and an ease that, though it feels counterintuitive, is necessary for our time.
And one day, when the playground rings with the voices of children, we can look back and have no regrets about how we lived through this time in history.

If all people thought the same, had the same perspective, what kind of a life would that be?

One of the novel studies I am teaching right now is The Giver, by Lois Lowry. It is an award-winning dystopian fiction, detailing the life of a boy who becomes the Receiver, meaning he has to carry all of the memories from the past for his community. It is a futuristic, very controlled world, where emotions, colours, and differences have been white-washed out, along with anything else deemed "dangerous", like snow, sunshine, hills, fire. Grandparents.
Love.
Pain.
Now, everything is safe.
Everyone's skin colour is even the same.
Disease and suffering have mostly been eradicated. Along with choice, and freedom. There is no sorrow, but there is also no joy.
In real life, in our present, crazy, vibrant world, people still have the ability to choose, and to carry two ideas in their head at the same time.

The Great Divide

Our new Covid-19 reality has created large divides. The opposing poles of those who advocate #stayhome, with ever stricter rules and guidelines, and those who want to #getbacktowork, limit government reach and carry on with life...well, the tension is palpable.

Every day my social media feed is flooded with information, memes, open letters, and articles championing the moral rightness of one side and then another.
Images of nurses and doctors slaving through emotional days in stressful hospital situations are juxtaposed with videos of empty hospitals and nurses being laid off because there's nothing for them to do.
Updates from government sources explaining social distancing guidelines are followed by the latest protest by citizens demanding the freedom to operate their dying businesses.
Photos of family members out for a walk or a road trip are sandwiched between outraged rants about those who are seen walking too close, or being in a store with a child in tow.

DO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO DIE!?!?! scream the headlines.

OUR RIGHTS ARE BEING TAKEN LIKE 1940's GERMANY!! the holler echoes.

So who is correct? Who gets to climb the moral ladder and pin the blue ribbon upon their chest?

This is everyone's story. 

 What we seem to forget is that there is no totally safe place. The virus is out there, and many people are going to get it at some point, just like every other virus.

I'm a bit scared to get it, to be honest. I've had pneumonia and multiple bouts with bronchitis, have had asthma in the past, and have a broken immune system that seems to pick up every little cold and flu that wheezes by. I'm not as worried about going to the store anymore, though, if I have to. 

I've only bought groceries twice since March 27. Hurray for me...! I feel a tad entitled to a prize of some kind.
Is there a prize for staying home the most?

No one wins, in these entrenched arguments, but in a way, everyone is right. 

The nurse who is exhausted, teary-eyed, face mask in hand, making her way home after watching a patient succumb to the coronavirus is right. It is entirely understandable that she will be angry when she pulls at last into her driveway and sees several kids playing together in the street. What if it was one of those inconsiderate families that accidentally infected the elderly woman who died today? Whose ashen face she watched the sheet be slowly pulled over, in a solemn, terrible ceremony that has become all too common? This nurse has a right to mourn, and a right to be angry. 

Nothing is fair, right now. 

Because those kids have a father, who invested his entire life and the savings of his wife and his parents into a business that he doesn't believe can survive. He is sobbing right now in the arms of his wife, as they see the last shred of hope float away with the latest government decree that no, we won't be getting back to normal for weeks, months - a year. So they sent the kids outside, to have some time to call employees, employees who have been waiting and wondering every day, asking for some hope of their own to offer their families. And then to call their parents and explain as best they can. The kids are alarmed at hearing dad cry, and run obediently outside to play . They don't understand that they can't be on the swings with their friends. They don't understand why the neighbor lady just glared at them and then slammed her car door shut. 

Every person and family has a story. A real, honest, legitimate story of hope, heartache, fear, or loss. 

Someone is terrified for an elderly parent or an immunocompromised child. 

Someone else is worried for their daughter who hasn't come out of her room for 30 days, and looks drawn, eyes caged by dark circles, not sleeping, barely eating. Definitely not doing school work. Should they take her to the doctor? Will they get in trouble if they do? 

Celebrities... Please Go Away. 

And during all of this we are subjected to the philosophical or pious humanitarian entreaties of celebrities. They smile and wave from large estates, tanned, a swimming pool in the background. Enough money to safely weather any number of months of this. Groceries and meals dropped off at the door. And they ask us to do the right thing, to be good and loyal citizens such as themselves! Why, yesterday they had to load the dishwasher, and figure out the garage-door-opener-thingy! Alone! Tragic.

Truly a rather tone-deaf spectacle. 

(I'm admittedly secretly fascinated by the botox and lip injection divas...it will be interesting to see their lips and foreheads gradually resume a more er, normal shape. Kylie Jenner...we are watching you!) 

No one who is sad that their butler had to go home should be preaching anything to the rest of the world. 

Ok, I think I'm done with my rabbit trail. It was a moment of selfish, ranting indulgence.... I feel slightly guilty, but a bit appeased.

What is Living?

Which is most valuable - to stay alive, or to have quality of life? 

An awful question, reminiscent of horrible times in history or great ethical conundrums. 

May I propose to you that everyone thinks quality of life is important, until their own personal survival comes into question. And then, we are all about staying alive. 

Could we hold two opposing thoughts in our heads for a minute? Consider. 

There are those who would rather face death than have everything they care about in life taken away. 

Hear me out. 

There are those who would rather get the virus than see the life work of generations be wiped out. 

As well, there are many who know they will face the virus anyway, and are fighting to preserve the very life-blood of their communities and the survival of many vulnerable people, people who are looking to them to provide a way forward. 

Here is my point. 

If you are still getting a paycheck, if you have steady food in your fridge, you do not have the right to tell those who are losing everything that they must stay home.

Yes, that goes for Justin Trudeau, too. 

People who have a steady salary and have experienced little to no loss should not be making the decisions for all Canadians. 

About what I said before, the thing with everyone being right, in their way? There is one exception. 

Tattle-tales and snitches. 

These types are going to have to remember who they want to be when this is over, and the neighborhood informant is not going to be a fun label to live with. 

Could be a lady posting pictures to social media exposing "what those kids are up to". Good work, Sherlock, maybe you'll get promoted. 

Or someone calling the police on the house across the street who has a few too many cars outside on Easter weekend. Hmmm...Mighty neighborly, mighty neighborly.  

I have patience for a lot of dumb stuff, maybe some misguided ideas, possibly some emotions running high. But telling on your fellow citizens? Nope. Line gets drawn there. 

I have zero patience for people peeking around curtains with malicious intent. Please, find something to do. Take up embroidery, learn a language, anything. But leave people alone. This will not lead to good things for you, I promise. 

We all need to adopt the medical motto of "Do no harm" until this is over. Do no harm to your neighbor's reputation, do no harm to your grocery store clerk, do no harm to people just trying to survive in their own way. 

Day after day, a silent basketball pad under blue skies

Which way do we go?

Yes, we all have a story. Even the government has a tale to tell. Imagine being responsible to make decisions for vast numbers of people, right now. And either way, you know you will be weighed in the balance and found wanting. 

If you shut down all business and hope of re-starting the economy, there will be literally dozens if not hundreds of suicides blamed squarely on your terrible decision. Yet, if you let even one park or non-essential business stay open, the death of someone's loved one by covid-19 will be laid at your feet. Either way, it's a losing game. Let's take it easy on our leaders, or at least give them some credit. The government is like a parent - if they relax the rules, they fear the worst. Government leaders have to rule in favor of saving the most lives possible. This is the the err on the side of caution that assumes citizens are fairly helpless and need as much direction as possible. It assumes we are like toddlers, not grown adults. We can give government the benefit of the doubt, but we do still live in a free country, the "true North strong and free". In the end, after all the regulations are sent out and the tickets are given, citizens have the right to live as they see wise and fitting for their situation. I believe that in the coming days we will see more and more citizens exercising those very freedoms, no matter what peeping neighbors or facebook keyboard warriors have to say. 

Life without freedom is not worth living for very long. 

I pray we all can be kind, generous, caring and yes, safe. Which is more important? To be safe? 

Or to survive? 

The coming days will tell which of those questions carries more weight. 

The Pandemic Letters

(With apologies to C.S. Lewis)

  My Dear Wormwood,

It pains me to hear of your follies in using this pandemic to its potential. You seem almost puffed up by the anxieties, deaths, and outright agonies of the people you are working to guide toward Our Father Below. Surely you have not forgotten already the careful lessons we poured over and drilled into your insect-like skull?
You grin about the deaths in hospitals and nursing homes (rather few, percentage-wise) as if these are somehow advancing our great cause! Far be it! Some of these belong to the Enemy, and I can almost hear the rejoicing as they walk through the awful gates! My ears bleed with it.

As well, can you not comprehend how they start to think about what is to come, and with gravity of soul and mind some begin to think...stay with me now... of preparation. Preparing for an afterlife. Considering what may come next! This is the worst possible news. We have worked for centuries to get their minds off of death, and onto frivolities, selfish habits or stoic musings- even daily we throw program after program at this very cause. And so when I hear your gleeful wringing of hands in regards to death, my dear Wormwood, I fear you have strayed far from the path. These gravitous thoughts the wretched humans are having will undoubtedly cause us to lose souls. Some that we have worked many years to steer in our direction may raise their ugly heads to the heavens. It should cause you pain, not this smiling like a stupid creature!
I'm not shocked Wormwood, merely disappointed in your oversight, as I would be in a cockroach that did not see the heeled boot descending. But you are inexperienced in the finer nuances of destruction.

Now to the other. I do not doubt that their economic system crashing gives you false confidence. Here too, there is something regarding human nature you must try, in your small way, to let enter the struggling synapses of your brain.

There is, what they call upstairs, a thing called Supply and Demand. Granted there is a great disruption at the moment, large stockpiles of rotting supply (I confess to craving the scent of it) and an inability to demand, and much frustration, loss, deprivation, and hence excitement among those of us Below. At surface this is wonderful to behold. However, the same demand will still be there that ever was, and thus the supply will rise to fill it. And on and on. A few hiccups, perhaps, a grinding of the gears, but move it must. And then all of the crashing will be for naught. It will not serve us for long. In the meantime, you waste our time and anger the Senior devils with your meandering idiocy. Get busy! Precious time passes, to throw the horror in their faces, to create desperation, crippling anxieties, and the inevitable sweet victory as some edge toward the cliff, unable to carry on! These are the moments, Wormwood, you will carry with you forever. Well, as long as I allow you to survive, I should warn. Do not take a moment of depression for granted. These are indeed perilous times. Some are using their pain to draw closer (shudder) to the Enemy. He loves them, strangely enough. This is a concept our Senior officials have prodded and studied for millennia, to no avail. There is nothing we can do about it. He will protect, cherish and provide for His rats, sometimes snatching them out of our very jaws.
(Excuse my salivatings on the page. You understand.)

You cannot imagine, Wormwood, how I ground my mandibles when you wrote of your latest failure. You thought that keeping them apart was something to celebrate. No! Not at all! Several extra-marital affairs I had been personally overseeing have ground to a halt. All lost. The bile rises when I think of the years I spent, creating small problems, causing little jealousies and innocent glances, and then seeing all the careful planning and depravity wasted.
And the gathering of the Enemies flock, interrupted! As if this "social distancing" was in our favour! Now they are missing their disgusting little times together, thinking of others, checking in on their neighbors. Nothing could be worse! We had lulled them, gently, cautiously, into a deep sleep. Now the "saints", as they nauseatingly call themselves, have awakened! The petty quarrels and insults we toiled over for years - forgotten. Even worse, forgiven. How I detest the word.
And still, the grating noise of what is known as "Worship" resounds across their devices and in their homes (we are forbidden to say the word, and so we simply refer to "That Screech Upstairs"). It is worse than the pitter and patter of birds in Spring, more horrible than the laughter of children. It cracks upon my eardrum and bends my very fangs inward! I've had to retreat from Upstairs and recover an entire week down Below.

This virus, the "pandemic" as they ridiculously and snivelingly call it, what I once thought a glorious idea, has brought them together in ways we could not foresee.
(You mustn't let a vile droplet of that last sentence reach Our Father Below. In fact, I may be forced to make sure you do not.)

And lastly, my dear, delicious Wormwood, the icing on a fly-ridden cake. At our last meeting of Senior devils, it was revealed. The cries of these stinking humans, old and young, rich and poor, light and dark, have reached the ears of the Enemy. He is mobilizing to send aid. Rumours are even oozing from above saying He heard them from the start. It is crass, obviously, but probably true. I've been crawling the dirt for several eons now and I've seen it before. They call it a Rescue, an Ever Present Help or something disturbing of that kind. How sadly inane.


   The point is that I'm afraid our time is growing short. What you so naively lauded as an opportunity of the ages for ferrying souls Below has turned into a battle in which we are taking heavy losses. They come at us from all sides. Many of our best and most promising charges have been turned back, and there is a steady hemorrhage of souls walking up to that dreaded piece of Wood and depositing their burdens there. A thunder of applause from Above is growing, causing fear and alarm among all rank and file of my colleagues, though of course I am steady in my ancient filth, ripe always with hope and deception. Never fear on my account.

His minions grow bolder, calling on the name of our Enemy daily. The time grows short.
And so, Wormwood, we must fight with all the rampant evil we can muster.
Set sibling against sibling, father against mother, nation against nation. Stir up the hate that lurks in families, and make them so sick of each other that little fights and snarls break out and crack the foundations.

Cause neighbors to tell tales on neighbors, and let them think their little laws are what matters. Fan the flames of insidious conversations about the constitution and government, creating bonfires of mistrust. Use the media, as I have repeatedly instructed you, to pour fuel on these bonfires until they blaze up and destroy anything around them. Whisper suspicions to the humankind as they pass each other on the street, and fill their heads with thoughts of how lazy or entitled others must be, while they suffer, oh so much more! Victims must be reminded often of their new state of victimhood, and bring up regularly how easy others must have it. Either they don't care enough about the sick, or they care too much. Polarization is almost too easy at the moment - seize the day! For those who are beset with laziness, let them wallow in it and germinate that self-hatred that ever does so much for our purposes. Confusion is key; when in doubt, cause chaos and misunderstanding at every turn. As yet there is no cure; maybe we can still turn fear into something that leaves an indelible mark on their pitiful hearts. As the cherry on top of the eternal Feast of death, we strive for their lives to be meaningless and empty, plagued by fears on every side.

Ah Wormwood! The possibilities are endless! I almost forget how short the time grows. Our days are numbered, however... yours perhaps more than mine. That particular delicacy we will discuss soon.

Until then.


Yours Ever so Sincerely,


Uncle Screwtape

The Tipping Point

The Fine Line...how long until we cross it?

As the saying goes, there's a fine line between _____ and _____.

You pick. Safety and control. Freedom and oppression. Genius and insanity, right and wrong. Staying well and losing our grip on reality.
When will we cross that fine line, when Enough simply becomes Too Much?

During this coronavirus lockdown, one of my only excursions is a long walk down an empty road. I hope that's allowed. It may not be. 

And while I walk, I tend to think, like Winnie-the-Pooh in his honey tree. Think, think, think. 

What I have been wondering lately is how long people will obey, stay home, not see family or friends, not even a sick mother or father, not take care of things that may be incredibly important to them. How long will the citizens obey? 

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not one of the naysayers; I do not delve into conspiracy theories or entertain insidious ideas about where the virus came from and what will become of humanity. 

I tend towards introversion, and never run out of ways to fill an hour. In fact I've barely watched Netflix yet....I'm saving that for when I am out of ideas. Or maybe I'm too distracted to focus on anything for more than 20 minutes - that might be it! 

So I should be okay for awhile. I'm not losing my mind, not yet. 

Usually, on the Saturday of Easter weekend, I'm waking up at either my in-law's or my parent's house. Or family is staying at my place and I'm in the middle of creating or cleaning up an enormous waffle, ice cream and strawberries breakfast, picking at bits of bacon left in the pan, thinking about the calories I may accrue with the ham or turkey dinner coming tomorrow and wondering if I'm too old to buy a chocolate Easter bunny, or if anyone will notice if I take a handful of mini-eggs out to the patio just now, with my coffee. 

The fine line is that narrow place where something changes into something else, where the balance shifts. 

I sense a tension and restlessness in the air, growing like the signs of Spring among the resigned stoicism and meek compliance of Canadians, obedient to what has been asked of us. We are responsible, we will hold up our end of the bargain. We understand that our staying home helps others, and is a good example to those who might be on the edge of making different decisions. The vulnerable must be protected, the sick cared for, and the carers lauded and kept safe. Yes, we understand.

But at what point does people's mental health take precedence over their physical health? I think of many elderly people, lonely at home, their primary source of joy in grandchildren or family visits taken away. I think of families who know they have limited time left with loved ones, and see the sand swiftly flowing out of the hourglass. 

Young people whose entire life is wrapped up in their friends, feeling depressed and desperate as time freezes but their inner world continues. People whose love language is physical touch not being hugged for weeks or months.  Or even the cumulative apprehension and mild boredom of the general population.

At some point that thin line will be crossed, and acceptance will tip, like a balance scale, into resistance. 

It is like when a mouse, or a large ugly spider, or even a more dangerous pest like a scorpion is discovered in a room. Perhaps the homeowner jumps up on a chair, or retreats to the bed or the far corner. They stay still - watching and waiting, at the ready! Adrenaline races and the fight or flight impulse ensures survival. Eventually, as time passes, the frozen muscles relax, and the person begins to think about moving around a bit, even getting rid of the pest. Perhaps it isn't all that dangerous. Maybe they can kill it with a shoe, or tiptoe out and get the farm cat (in the case of the mouse). At any rate, they aren't going to stay forever perched on the edge of a desk awaiting their fate. No. Other options will be weighed.

The lockdown situation is far easier for those living in rural areas. They might not even notice the pinch. They have fields to go out in, maybe atv's to drive or long stretches of gravel road to wander. Someone in an apartment building who cannot even go into their hallway or elevator without feeling compromised is having a much different experience. My heart goes out to those in crowded places, whose anxiety must be overwhelming. 

I could be totally wrong about this, but I think within the next two weeks we will start to see a push back from people. They can't arrest us all, that's for sure. We all have common sense and know how to stay away from others, so it isn't like we are going to link arms en masse in the street and sing Kumbaya or clamour for malls to open. We have to give people some credit for having common sense. There is a strong independence and pioneer spirit among Canadians, as well as politeness and respect. 

At some point the fine line between inertia and restlessness, fear and risk, compliance and curiosity will blur and become harder to see. I have utmost respect for health care workers, the sick and vulnerable and our essential workers. I also have respect for the rule of law. 

But I do know human nature, and I wonder how long we will pace behind an invisible fence, when those we love and the essence of life itself is on the other side. 

For what is living?

 Is it only keeping oneself from harm, or even keeping others safe? At what point will our collective mental state take precedence over these physical dangers? What of the trauma caused by a daughter not able to say goodbye to a father, or a couple married for 60 years, unable to share their last days? Is this not also dangerous?

I am not sure of the answers, but the questions continue to arrive. 

For now I sit in my kitchen and watch the passage of the sun trace a bright arc across the window, 

a sun that seems freer now than I,

though it follows the same path
since the beginning of Time.